Thursday, July 12, 2012

Carroll's Journal #39 Heavy Mental

Okay, I am at the “facility”, let’s see how many jokes I can come up with being here in the mental ward.
Ready? Go!

I don’t know what I am doing in this place, everybody here is crazy.

I feel like a squirrel … I’m surrounded by nuts.

See that busty female patient? We call her “chest-nut”

Dude! Stop peeing in the corner. Wait! That’s me. My bad.

You got a problem with me then you have a problem with the other 12 me’s.

I’ll trade you three Depakote’s for 2 Serezone’s.

That’s enough of that. I tried to get onto Goodreads again, but all I got was that stupid freaking girl in the chair. Man, Goodreads has gone to hell. They are doing maintenance 23 hours a day. Can’t enjoy it anymore. Can’t say I miss it and all the headaches that dumb site has given me. I know, I shouldn’t call it dumb, it’s a good idea in theory, just too bad its software is outdated or something. Maybe when I get out of here I will try Safari or something. I don’t know. We’ll see. But for now, I keep my GR prowling down to a minimum. Saves me a lot of money on Tylenol. LOL

I just found out that America has more people incarcerated than any other country on the planet. More than Russia and China COMBINED! And get this, many of these people locked up are everyday citizens like you and me who didn’t even know that during the course of their everyday lives, they even broke any kind of law. You can check it out at the 700 Club website. (I’ll leave a link at the end of this post)

In America, criminalization is the biggest growing business. Wow, that’s some heavy mental right there. Land of the free? You decide. Click that link and read it for yourself. All the stats are there. (And stories) It will blow your mind. Of course, one of the causes for this is also all the new laws that are added every year. I’ve been saying this now for like ten years that there are so many laws on our books that everyone to some degree will break one even if they don’t realize they are breaking a law. It’s inevitable.

Shooting ourselves in the foot.

I got released early from the facility. There was an incident. That’s all I wish to say about that. For now anyway. I also discovered that for all the differences that girls have, they are ultimately the same. The more one claims to be different, the more the same one is. Okay, maybe that isn’t completely fair. But it is the truth. And with that understanding, comes a new outlook. Actually, is an old outlook coming back around to roost. As it stands, we all go it alone. Myself included. To a larger degree. We all know this to be fact. It is time for Carroll to think about Carroll. Deep down, I never was too selfish of a human being. I think it’s about time I change that.

I have never been a huge fan of change. Which is surprising when you consider how much everything changes. And so quickly too. But I like to think that other people don’t let me down or disappoint me as much as I let myself down and disappoint with the expectations I place upon them. I just have to learn to lower those expectations again. Just when you want to give somebody a chance to prove themselves, they merely prove you right to begin with. I know you may not understand what I am talking about, the point is, I know what I am talking about. And for once, I can live with that. Maybe now I can finally resolve this internal battle I have with myself on a daily basis.

Talk about heavy mental.

I’m going to go and have a nice long talk with Jennifer. Lay everything on the line. Confess all! Then see if there is anyway what so ever that we can give this thing one more college try. This time, with a clean slate. And this time, it will be all about her. Nobody else. Period. I mean, PERIOD! No exceptions. And to keep it more private. I know that deep down, there has to be a need for me to settle down. There just has to be. The problem has always been that there was always a second party involved. There is no second party anymore. It became very clear to me recently that there is only me and who I claim to be devoted to. I have to make that choice. No more pussy-footing around and pretending. And now that second options have been eliminated, I can finally focus on the one person who I can trust will never let me down. Right now, Jenny is the only girl I can put my faith in. She has always told me the truth before it became a truth and not after the fact. She has always prepared me for the future. Never side swiping me from out of the blue. I always know what I am going to get from her.

There is something to say about that kind of honesty.

I guess what I am saying is, there is no head games with her. I don’t have to hold my breath or squint my eyes with the next words that may come out of her mouth. I don’t have to live in fear of her intentions. Mostly because, she tells me her intentions before actually going out and doing it. I could have lost all faith in the female gender this past week, but luckily for me, I didn’t. Or maybe I did and just lowered my expectations to the point where I can no longer see that I lost any faith. Either way, I think if I put forth more of an effort this time around, maybe, just maybe, not all hope is lost. One good place to start is to stop being so over the top on both ends. If it’s good, then it’s good, and I should take it in stride. And if it’s bad, then it’s bad, take it in stride. Either way, I am going to have to find that even keel and work with that. I need to stop getting so excited about fantasy and just trust the reality. This weekend, I plan to do just that. I plan to make a final pitch to do what I know deep inside of my heart, I want to do. And where every other girl has let me down and proved me right, that love is just a word with many a different meaning to everyone, she carries the same meaning with it as I do. And that’s what I have failed to realize for so long.

Now that is some heavy mental right there.

And this doesn’t mean that I want to get married. It just means, I want to put some stock into something. I want to make the investment required to get back a return. For me, it will be baby steps. But I want those baby steps to head in a specific direction. And I want that direction to me, Jennifer. You know, if at all possible. We’ll see. She and I will talk about it this weekend and see where it goes. And the question was raised earlier of what if she says no. Well, I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. No expectations this time. Just winging it. My grandfather always said, “Only worry about the hand you were dealt. The hand you are currently holding, and the hand you lay down to play. Win or lose, you can always worry about the next hand when the cards are reshuffled and dealt.” Of course he was talking about poker, but I think it can also apply to life.

That’s sort of heavy mental, isn’t it?


Nation Of Criminals http://youtu.be/l_69BGBc8qc

No comments:

Post a Comment