What is love? This is a question I started asking myself after reading a poem by my friend, Ira, of the same title, on her blog. (What Is Love) And if anybody knows me, then they would know that when I go to asking deep questions, dark forces of the very strange begin lurking about.
Obviously, love is a strong emotion of affection and personal attachment. It is also said that love is a virtue representing all of human kindness and compassion. The unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. In our modern world of today, love can take the form of many different meanings and pleasures. For example, “I loved that meal.” to the interpersonal attraction of “I love my partner.” From romantic love, to a more intimate sexual love, to love of family, religion, love of an object such as your car, and the simplicity of “The love for life.”
Love is nothing more than a stronger form of “like”, and is commonly contrasted with “hate”. (Or neutral apathy.) Love is also contrasted with “lust” although, in my opinion, lust is a more animalistic, or watered down version. Still, I find it amazing of the many different levels of love. But what is the difference between loving someone as opposed to “being in love” with someone?
When discussed in the abstract, love usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing including oneself, also referred to as narcissism. (Shut up, Ira) LOL
A person can be said to love an object, principle, or goal if they value it greatly and are deeply committed to it. Similarly, compassionate outreach and volunteer workers' love of their cause may sometimes be born not of interpersonal love, but impersonal love coupled with altruism and strong spiritual or political convictions. People can also love material objects, animals, or activities if they invest themselves in bonding or otherwise identifying with those things. If sexual passion is also involved, this condition is called paraphilia.
Love is sometimes referred to as being the international language, overriding cultural and linguistic divisions.
But is love romance? Is romance love?
We know the realistic difference of love as it pertains to say, “I love my parents” to “I love my dog” to “I love my boyfriend”. Or at least, one would hope there is a difference. However, those who practice incest and bestiality may debate that somewhat. But I digress, for most of us, there is a separation level of love. Then there are those who don’t believe in love. Or is it that they don’t believe in the act of falling in love?
I myself love my mother, but I’m not in love with her. I love my friends, but I am not in love with them. I love girls in general and yet, I do not fall in love with them. I lust for them often, (perhaps) but I always looked at falling in love as - “something or someone you simply can’t do (live) without” - and I suppose by that philosophy, I would be in love with food, water, oxygen and a comfortable temperature in which I could survive.
Biological models of sex tend to view love as a mammalian drive, much like hunger or thirst. But wouldn’t that be more to the form of love that is lust? Couldn’t love and lust become confused? Lust is the feeling of sexual desire. Romantic attraction determines what partners mates find attractive and pursue, conserving time and energy by choosing; and attachment involves sharing a home, parental duties, mutual defense, and in humans involves feelings of safety and security. Is this love?
Three distinct neural circuitries, including neurotransmitters, and also three behavioral patterns, are associated with these three romantic styles. But wait! Is this proof that romance and love are the same? Or does the act of romance lead to the feeling of sexual/partner love?
I understand that sexual desire may only be an animalistic urge to procreate, like any other bodily function, and chemicals released in the brain brought about from orgasm (testosterone and estrogen) can also be equaled to eating large quantities of chocolate. Okay, I get that! What I want to know is, how can one convince themselves that they are “in love” with someone and why?
Is there really such a thing as a “soul mate”? Or is that just something we say to substantiate our decision to be with someone we may find attractive at that point and time of our life? I mean, I often compare relationships of attraction with people to cars. For example: I bought a new car once off the showroom floor. The first six months, I treated that thing like it was a newborn infant. I was careful about people getting too close and scratching it, took it to wash it almost three times a week. I kept that thing clean inside and out, and I mean spotless! Then came the inevitable, I got accustomed to it. It started to grow old. That new car smell soon evaporated. Along with the new car feel. After a few years, I wasn’t taking it to the car wash like I once did. I was anal about people getting too close anymore, or scratches. Before I knew it, I was looking into getting another new car.
Out with the old - in with the new.
Are people the same way? Do we get too complacent inside our love after a while that other people start looking good to us? And even if a person cheats on their spouse, does that mean the love is gone or the desire? Or the lust? Maybe we still love that “old” car, but we always have that urge to “drive” another new one.
Okay, I know people aren’t cars, but is the philosophy still the same? On a molecular level, do we just get a little bored with having sex with the same person over and over and all the time? Maybe some do, but I also know for a fact, that some do not. I do know people who have been together ever since they met in high school and they are going on 50, 60, maybe 70 years old. To be together for so long, that has to be love, correct?
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have. It is reported that the protein molecule known as the “nerve growth factor” (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous levels after one year. Kind of like what happened in regards to my feelings towards my new car after the same amount of time had elapsed.
Then I ask yet another unscientific question, could a person actually fall / be in love with someone that they hate?
Psychology depicts love as a cognitive and social phenomenon. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. Passionate love is shown in infatuation as well as romantic love. All forms of love are viewed as varying combinations of these three components. Non-love does not include any of these components. Liking only includes intimacy. Infatuated love only includes passion. Empty love only includes commitment. Romantic love includes both intimacy and passion. Companionate love includes intimacy and commitment. Fatuous love includes passion and commitment. Lastly, consummate love includes all three. American psychologist Zick Rubin sought to define love by psychometrics in the 1970s. His work states that three factors constitute love: attachment, caring, and intimacy.
Psychology sees love as more of a social and cultural phenomenon as opposed to biological. There are probably elements of truth in both views. Certainly love is influenced by hormones (such as oxytocin), neurotrophins (such as NGF), and pheromones, and how people think and behave in love is influenced by their conceptions of love. The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love: sexual attraction and attachment. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead an infant to become attached to its mother. The traditional psychological view sees love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate); companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.
And here we are, back where we started. Asking ourselves the very same question that the popular musical group of the 80’s and 90’s “Whitesnake” asked in one of their most popular songs, “Is this love that I’m feeling? Is this the love I’ve been searching for?”
In the end, I don’t think love is any one certain thing. I believe it could me a mixture of all of it. Biological, physical, and perhaps even mental, the fear of being alone (lonely) or unwanted that propels us to the land of love. Then again, perhaps it is a spiritual thing. Hey, in today’s world, anything is possible. But then that opens up a whole new can of conversation.
As for love being related to romance, or the other way around, maybe they are not the same, but perhaps one leads into the other. Who knows? Call it the “chicken versus the egg” argument. And that too, is a whole new can of conversation. Better yet, a whole new world of wonder?
They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Somewhere along the way of mankind, they collided on Earth and ever since, been trying to figure out how to return to their respective planet. Meanwhile, of course, they had to learn to co-exist with each other.
Easier said than done.
Recently, I met a girl. Not just any girl. The most amazing girl I ever met in my entire life. Up until meeting her, girls were a dime a dozen. For the most part, I used them then threw them away. Often times, I would do things that I knew would anger them and they would leave. I soon fell into the habit of blaming them for all the problems. I even used them leaving as a way to inspire poems and such. Not all the time, mind you, but most of the time.
There were exceptions. As is always the case with just about anything. But nothing, and I mean, NOTHING compares to this girl. Everything I thought I knew about the female gender, went out the window with her. What started out as an innocent crush quickly turned into the love of my life. Looking back, I think it was the way she ate strawberries for lunch and cereal right before going to bed in her penguin PJ’s. I can still picture that in my mind. Adorable.
More importantly, the way we shared each others day EVERYDAY. Both of us opening up to our fears and secrets. We hung on every word spoken. It didn’t take long before I realized that she was the one. I wanted her soul to be my soul. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy. Here’s the catch … I am a world class asshole! That is all I ever knew how to be. I was always better at being a romantic than anything else. The trouble with that is, romance only lasts for me for about three weeks to three months.
I didn’t know how to deal with this diamond that I discovered. We did have our clashes on occasion and I attributed that as us being fire and ice. Two people so made for each other that our passions run amuck in contrast. The balance of the universe was the torrid emotions spilling over from the cups known as our hearts. News flash! That wasn’t it at all. Of course, I did not realize this at the time. Soon enough, we had the last clash. She quickly ended the relationship. This is when I went completely crazy.
I had always assumed that she would never cut the ties. I was so involved with thinking that we were so made for each other that I forgot to go from always being a romantic and be a MAN. (Being a man is the next step of continuing to be romantic) Relationships are more than romance. Relationships are built on trust, listening, sharing, and so much more. While I always relied on my charms to sweep girls away and off their feet, I never once relied on just being myself and being true. This girl wanted the REAL me, not the romantic charmer.
She needed a man to believe her, to believe in her, to believe in her dreams. I didn’t give her that. Looking back, I didn’t give her anything. I always took. She never told me the reason(s) why she ended it. I think she wanted me to figure it out someday. To figure out that what she needed was a man to give her assurances. She needed a man to just be honest. To just be himself. I was too busy trying to be Carroll Bryant the writer. Trying to impress her with that rather than with my deepest feelings that I felt (and still feel) for her.
The days passed and I went through a gauntlet of emotional changes. Hate, blame, finger pointing, accusing of her lying and the list goes on and on. The truth is, she just wanted me to be me. I didn’t give her that. I didn’t realize it either until now.
Four months later, 60 poems later, a broken heart later, a broken hand later and a million tears later - I finally wake up from my testosterone and see clearly now what she wanted and what I failed to offer her. I realize now, all she wanted was what every good woman wants ….. A MAN! Not a boy. Not an image. Just a man. A man to hold her. A man to comfort her. A man to tell her just how special and wonderful she is. A man she can believe in. One she can trust.
When I start thinking about this, I understand women just a little bit better. I understand how insecure they can often times feel but are too proud to admit openly. All women really want is just someone they can depend on in crunch time. Looking in the mirror, I see that I am not that man. The pain of this realization hurts like none other I have ever felt in my entire life. I don’t hurt anymore because I no longer have her, I hurt because I realize I could have had her. That I did have her. I hurt now because I know I lost her. And that it was my fault I lost her. The only reason I don’t still have her is because I screwed up. I didn’t listen to her when she asked me to listen. I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe in her. I didn’t believe in her dreams.
Now I pay the price.
To this girl, I say … I understand it now. I see what I did and didn’t do. I understand why you left me. I don’t blame you anymore. You didn’t want to do it. I pushed you to do it because I took everything we had and made it into some kind of a joke. You didn’t want a joke. You wanted a man. For this, I am truly sorry.
This girl is gone now. She doesn’t want to even be friends with me anymore. I can’t say I blame her. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either if I were her. I let her down at crunch time. She only wanted one thing from me. Confirmation of the truth. I gave her a joke instead.
All she wanted from me was to be that man she always dreamed of when she was younger and dreaming of her prince charming. All I gave her was an idiot. Because I can only be charming for a little while. Then I turn back into a frog. To think it took her to do the hardest thing in her life to do and walk away from the man she loves because she discovers that he really is not the man she thought him to be and all I could think about was myself and how it was hurting me. I never realized how much it devastated her.
I understand this now. I understand women now. Thanks to this girl, I now see what I did wrong not only with her, but with every girl in my past. It’s a rude awakening. But guys, hear me now, if you have a girl, if you really love her, if you really can’t function without her like I can’t function without her, then just freaking tell her this. Don’t push her away like I did. Listen to her when she talks. Cherish her dreams when she trusts you with them. Don’t force her to make the choice that I forced my love to make. She won’t come back. She will leave forever. Believe me when I say, even if she doesn’t want to, she will. She will because, she will know the right thing to do at the right time. You won’t. You won’t realize this until four months later. And that’s four months too late.
It took me all this time to understand that love is not in a poem. Or a song. It’s in the heart. It’s in the soul. It’s buried deep inside of … a woman.
