Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Mars Versus Venus

Love.

They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Somewhere along the way of mankind, they collided on Earth and ever since, been trying to figure out how to return to their respective planet. Meanwhile, of course, they had to learn to co-exist with each other.

Easier said than done.

Recently, I met a girl. Not just any girl. The most amazing girl I ever met in my entire life. Up until meeting her, girls were a dime a dozen. For the most part, I used them then threw them away. Often times, I would do things that I knew would anger them and they would leave. I soon fell into the habit of blaming them for all the problems. I even used them leaving as a way to inspire poems and such. Not all the time, mind you, but most of the time.

There were exceptions. As is always the case with just about anything. But nothing, and I mean, NOTHING compares to this girl. Everything I thought I knew about the female gender, went out the window with her. What started out as an innocent crush quickly turned into the love of my life. Looking back, I think it was the way she ate strawberries for lunch and cereal right before going to bed in her penguin PJ’s. I can still picture that in my mind. Adorable.

More importantly, the way we shared each others day EVERYDAY. Both of us opening up to our fears and secrets. We hung on every word spoken. It didn’t take long before I realized that she was the one. I wanted her soul to be my soul. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy. Here’s the catch … I am a world class asshole! That is all I ever knew how to be. I was always better at being a romantic than anything else. The trouble with that is, romance only lasts for me for about three weeks to three months.

I didn’t know how to deal with this diamond that I discovered. We did have our clashes on occasion and I attributed that as us being fire and ice. Two people so made for each other that our passions run amuck in contrast. The balance of the universe was the torrid emotions spilling over from the cups known as our hearts. News flash! That wasn’t it at all. Of course, I did not realize this at the time. Soon enough, we had the last clash. She quickly ended the relationship. This is when I went completely crazy.

I had always assumed that she would never cut the ties. I was so involved with thinking that we were so made for each other that I forgot to go from always being a romantic and be a MAN. (Being a man is the next step of continuing to be romantic) Relationships are more than romance. Relationships are built on trust, listening, sharing, and so much more. While I always relied on my charms to sweep girls away and off their feet, I never once relied on just being myself and being true. This girl wanted the REAL me, not the romantic charmer.

She needed a man to believe her, to believe in her, to believe in her dreams. I didn’t give her that. Looking back, I didn’t give her anything. I always took. She never told me the reason(s) why she ended it. I think she wanted me to figure it out someday. To figure out that what she needed was a man to give her assurances. She needed a man to just be honest. To just be himself. I was too busy trying to be Carroll Bryant the writer. Trying to impress her with that rather than with my deepest feelings that I felt (and still feel) for her.

The days passed and I went through a gauntlet of emotional changes. Hate, blame, finger pointing, accusing of her lying and the list goes on and on. The truth is, she just wanted me to be me. I didn’t give her that. I didn’t realize it either until now.

Four months later, 60 poems later, a broken heart later, a broken hand later and a million tears later - I finally wake up from my testosterone and see clearly now what she wanted and what I failed to offer her. I realize now, all she wanted was what every good woman wants ….. A MAN! Not a boy. Not an image. Just a man. A man to hold her. A man to comfort her. A man to tell her just how special and wonderful she is. A man she can believe in. One she can trust.

When I start thinking about this, I understand women just a little bit better. I understand how insecure they can often times feel but are too proud to admit openly. All women really want is just someone they can depend on in crunch time. Looking in the mirror, I see that I am not that man. The pain of this realization hurts like none other I have ever felt in my entire life. I don’t hurt anymore because I no longer have her, I hurt because I realize I could have had her. That I did have her. I hurt now because I know I lost her. And that it was my fault I lost her. The only reason I don’t still have her is because I screwed up. I didn’t listen to her when she asked me to listen. I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe in her. I didn’t believe in her dreams.

Now I pay the price.

To this girl, I say … I understand it now. I see what I did and didn’t do. I understand why you left me. I don’t blame you anymore. You didn’t want to do it. I pushed you to do it because I took everything we had and made it into some kind of a joke. You didn’t want a joke. You wanted a man. For this, I am truly sorry.

This girl is gone now. She doesn’t want to even be friends with me anymore. I can’t say I blame her. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either if I were her. I let her down at crunch time. She only wanted one thing from me. Confirmation of the truth. I gave her a joke instead.

All she wanted from me was to be that man she always dreamed of when she was younger and dreaming of her prince charming. All I gave her was an idiot. Because I can only be charming for a little while. Then I turn back into a frog. To think it took her to do the hardest thing in her life to do and walk away from the man she loves because she discovers that he really is not the man she thought him to be and all I could think about was myself and how it was hurting me. I never realized how much it devastated her.

I understand this now. I understand women now. Thanks to this girl, I now see what I did wrong not only with her, but with every girl in my past. It’s a rude awakening. But guys, hear me now, if you have a girl, if you really love her, if you really can’t function without her like I can’t function without her, then just freaking tell her this. Don’t push her away like I did. Listen to her when she talks. Cherish her dreams when she trusts you with them. Don’t force her to make the choice that I forced my love to make. She won’t come back. She will leave forever. Believe me when I say, even if she doesn’t want to, she will. She will because, she will know the right thing to do at the right time. You won’t. You won’t realize this until four months later. And that’s four months too late.

It took me all this time to understand that love is not in a poem. Or a song. It’s in the heart. It’s in the soul. It’s buried deep inside of … a woman.

Now I pay the price.

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