Friday, September 19, 2014

Blonde Joke: Doctor, Doctor

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Carroll Bryant Quote Regarding His Heart Attack

"I'd rather live while I'm alive than to die before I am dead."

- Carroll Bryant

Responding to criticism regarding his smoking, drinking, and eating habits leading up to his heart attack. 


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Story Time: Kujo Smujo

It started out a normal and average day. I woke up, took a shower, and prepared some lunch for a friend of mine who was coming to visit and play some video games. You know, just hanging out on a Saturday.

We'll call this friend, Joe.

We ate, we drank, we played some games and after a few hours, I wanted to go to the store real quick to pick up some smokes and a Dew.

Joe wanted to tag along and while we could have drove there in the car, the store wasn't but a few minutes away by foot. Since it was such a great day, we decided to simply walk there.

We headed out and began talking about nothing in particular. We cut across behind the buildings that led to the gas station which were the auto repair shop's back lot, and the old ice cream shop's back lot which led to a small gravel / dirt road behind the hardware building and then finally, to the gas station's back lot that also serves as the Taco Bell back lot.

Right before we reached that point, and to our left from up top a hill, a dog emerged. The dog quickly began to bark and then shot down the hill in a flash, and straight towards Joe and I at a high rate of speed. It was obvious, he was on the attack.

Joe quickly darted off towards a parked pick-up truck where he leaped into the bed of while I stood there like a dumb-wad. At first, the dog headed towards Joe but once Joe was laying in the bed of the truck, he quickly turned his sights onto me.

I braced myself for what I thought was going to be one bloody battle. However, as the dog approached, teeth showing, he came to a quick halt at my feet.

He was barking like mad and growling, almost like he was threatening me should I decide to move an inch. I bent slightly over and stared down at the dog, trying to look him in the eyes. For a few seconds, we did lock onto each other eye to eye, but then he would end up looking away. Joe tried to say something but I threw up my right hand to hush him. It worked. He stayed in the bed of the truck silently, and looking on, while I dealt with the angry dog.

The dog would bark a few times before growling and snarling, and constantly looking away as I continued to lean down slightly and stare him down, my arms by my side and clinched in fists. He kept refusing to look up at me.

After about a minute, the barking began to subside and only his growls and some snarling could be heard. I remained like a statue until another few minutes passed and the dog apparently grew weary of me and started to slowly turn away and leave. He looked back at me once or twice at first before picking up his pace.

I took a few steps in his direction and stomped my feet loudly in so he would hear. He took another glance back before darting off from which he came.

I don't know what kind of dog he was other than to say he appeared to be a mix of some kind or otherwise, nothing but a mutt. His back came up to about my knees so he wasn't a small thing in the least.

Once he scampered back up the hill and disappeared, I looked over at Joe, who was still hiding in the bed of the truck. "That will wake you up in the morning." I joked.

Joe wasn't in a joking mood. "Are you effing crazy, dude?"

I walked towards the truck. "What are you talking about?" I asked.

"That dog could have killed you." He figured as much. I figured otherwise.

"I don't know about that," I stated, "but yeah, it could have been a hell of a fight." I then reminded him of where he was. "You might want to get out from that truck before the owner sees you and shoots your ass." I then began walking to the front of the gas station / store.

Joe hops out and follows. "That was the most amazing thing I ever seen in my life! Dude, you stood toe to toe with that thing. Weren't you scared?"

"Shitless." I told him. "But what were my options? To hide in back of a truck bed with you? I figured, if we were gonna throw down then a throw down we were going to do."

"How do you even fight a dog?" Joe wondered.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Kick, scratch, bite, punch, I don't know. But I was ready to scrap if I had to. I would have bitten his damn ears off if it had to come down to that."

"I still can't believe it." He went on to keep repeating. "You have balls of steel or something."

"Not really," I replied, "I just watched a lot of 'The Dog Whisperer'. Besides," I added for good measure, "I hate running from a good fight."

He quickly moved ahead of me. "I'm keeping you between me and him."

"Dude," I snapped back, "he's gone. I doubt he will return."

"I'm not taking any chances." He said, before realizing, "Where's my cell phone when I need it? I could have video taped that and posted it on Youtube."

As it turned out, he left it on my kitchen table. 

Inside the store, Joe couldn't stop telling everyone about the incident and my so called bravery. He borrowed someone's cell phone and called Animal Control. He knew the guy who came out to search for that dog, fearing if it was willing to attack us, it would probably go after others, and maybe they wouldn't be so fortunate.

We finally made it back home and resumed our video games when Joe got a call on his cell phone from his buddy from Animal Control. The good news was, he captured the dog. The bad news? He got bit in the process. "Should have had Carroll with you." I overheard him saying.

It turned out that they could not locate the owner. The dog eventually was put down. But even now, a few years or so later, Joe still can't help but talk about that day. "If I live to be a hundred," he informs everyone, "I'll never see anything like that again. Carroll didn't budge an inch. Not an inch I tell you. He just stood there and stared that dog down."



In the middle of our last game that day, Joe turned to me and said .......