Sunday, May 6, 2012

Carroll's Journal #23 (Psychopathic Mother)

I have had a good chance to take a look at some things in my life. I have come to one major conclusion … I don’t ever want to get married. Not to anyone. Never. It’s not that I don’t like the concept of love, I simply adore it. I love romance. (When it’s real) It’s just, deep down inside I really do not want to get married. It’s just not my style. And it doesn’t mean that I am against marriage by any means. I think for some people it’s great. It’s wonderful. And yes, maybe there has been a girl here and there that maybe I would have married.

I know of a few girls that had they wanted it, I would have probably spent the rest of my life with. Maybe I would have married them. One in particular. However, it didn’t work out. With any of them. And it’s not that I don’t love Jenny, I do. Very much. But I have things to do. Now more than ever, I have a lot of things left in my tank and on my plate and none of it has marriage written on it. I think about it, sure. I even think about how great it would be to have kids, but it isn’t going to happen. It’s just not meant to be.


I believe that life gives you things to ponder, to give you things to challenge you. Put you to the test, so to speak. Last summer, I was given my test. I was given my challenge. I know now who was probably the one I would have married in a Nanosecond without second thought or guessing. I would have given her anything. But she didn’t want that. She wanted other things. There’s nothing wrong with that. I could have done without the lying, but that’s neither here or there. Not now anyway. It’s done. It’s over. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you are somebody’s rag doll to be tossed aside and forgotten. I was. I guess I couldn’t deal with it from an ego perspective. One mans (or girls) trash is another’s treasure. Right?

***Shrugs shoulders***

I think Jennifer and I will have a lot of fun. I think she and I will be close for a very long time. Hell, we may even eventually move in together. We will have a ton of laughs. I am positive of that. That’s the way it should be. That’s what life is really all about. To laugh, love and be happy. Finding out what exactly makes you happy is the hardest task for any of us to do. Finding happiness is harder than finding Waldo. It hides in the most peculiar places sometimes. Other times, it is standing right in front of you, but you just don’t see it because maybe it’s standing too close.


We all have things about us that makes us different and sets us apart from one another. One of things that separates me from everyone is … I am in love with romance. I am in love with the thought of being in love. I envy you who can follow it and find it and do something about it. I just couldn’t do anything about it. I tried. I think at some point one just has to accept who and what they are and what their life is all about. I think deep in my heart, my summer affair (?) was life telling me that I will always want things that I can never have. Maybe it’s not such a good idea for me to get too attached.


Never live with something that you can’t live without. Because if something happens and you have to live without it or die … well … you will die because you can’t live without it.


I am liberating myself from pain. I find that friends are much better than lovers real or internet. For me to love, it has to be on a friend basis because in truth, that’s all I really have to offer anyone. My friendship. My heart belongs to my sister, my nephews and nieces and mother. My family. Even to myself. That’s all I have to offer. That’s all that life is willing to allow me to offer. I see that now. And now is the time to accept that. So consider this an open invitation to everyone that if you want, I will be your friend. Just don’t ask or expect anything more than that. And for some girls, maybe we could share a moment in time. Maybe. But that’s it. That’s all I have to offer.


The universe has spoken! So let it be said, so let it be written. So shall it be done.

Wait! … What the freak? O_o

And I don’t want the world to see me because I don’t think that they will understand. When everything’s made to be broken … I just want you to know who I am.

The greatest love in the world is the love of friendship. As far as I am concerned, all of you have that with me.

Insert group hug here à (______________)

Through the ages, there have been plenty of people who couldn’t belong to just one person. They belonged to the whole world. People like Jesus, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, just to name a few. Perhaps that is the fate of Carroll Bryant. I want Carroll Bryant to be synonymous with world peace, and world love. For friendship. The kind that if everybody felt and extended, there would no longer be a need for our children to be given a pat-down at the airport.

You know what I mean Vern?

So if you’re reading this right now then smile, you’re alive. The world is at your feet. You still have today to tell someone you love them. You still have today to give someone a hug. To smile. To make someone else smile. To laugh and to play. To try and make a dream come true. Trust me, when I read the paper today I stumbled onto the obituary section. Some of us don’t have today to do all of those things. So, if you are reading this, then you still have today to do something you have always wanted to do. Unless you’re a ghost and reading this in which case, hey, didn’t I read your name in the obituary? LOL

Who you gonna call? …. Ghost Busters!

Now don’t go getting your thongs in such a bunch, I am not comparing myself to Jesus or Elvis or anyone, understand? (So no flooding my inbox) I’m just saying that some of us in the world walk a different path. I have always been foot loose and fancy free and have always been happy with that. And that’s what it is all about for all of us. Happiness! Find it! And when you do … keep it! Don’t trade it in for something that “might” make you happier. Trust me, you can’t get happier than happy.

***Group hug***

Seriously though, I’m just not the “fall in love” type. Clearly. (At least I can honestly say that I did once. ONCE!) I wish I were that type though. I really do. While there are moments where I think it would be good to have somebody around all the time, the truth is, I also get very annoyed when I am working on something (Book or song) and I get calls or knocks on the door. My frustration emerges like the Swamp Thing. A question my mother asked me recently was, “How do you do it? Your father has been gone a couple of weeks now and I am going crazy being all by myself.”

I don’t know how I do it mother. Oh, wait, now I remember, I write a lot. I am almost always on the keyboard working on a song. Or working on a book. Or on Goodreads. Or my blog. Or writing things to put on my blog. Or on the phone. Or out gallivanting around. Taking with me of course, my trusty laptop. Sometimes, even when I am out doing something, I still find time to get online.

Maybe you should take up knitting. I could use a good sweater. Better yet, cook me up a few pans of your lasagna. Yeah, I like that idea better. You know, if you’re looking to un-bore yourself. LOL Or let me take you out shopping for a new computer, since dad took his with him, and you can discover a new world on the internet. Hey, I could still always use another book reviewer, or take over my DVD reviews so I can start doing “Music” reviews maybe. I don’t know mom, I just do what I want to do - what I love to do. Just about everything I love to do is connected to writing and the internet. Sure, I get bored. I go through my phases. But in the end, this is where you will find me most times.

Video games help too, mother. Should I buy you an X-Box?

I am one of those people who enjoys having nothing to do and all day to do it as opposed to one who has too much to do and not enough time to do it all. Even more important, I enjoy doing what I want, when I want, with whom I want … or by myself. It wasn’t until recently did I start to feel lonely but now, that feeling has passed. I finally climbed out of my hole and while I still feel like something is missing, and I am trudging through wet cement, I think it will pass. I think … I think …. I think it could be gas.


But try and look on the bright side mother, now you have all day to do what YOU want to do. Go ahead, pamper yourself. Start doing all those things you used to wish you had time for. Now you have that time. Go join a gym, a book club, volunteer at the school. A new world is opening up to you mom, welcome it in, the transition is a lot better if you just go with the flow. Sure, life won’t be the same without pops around anymore, but seriously, while there may not be a lot you can do about that, you have all the power within yourself to decide how you are going to approach it. I have just finally figured that out for myself. Plans can change on a dime. Dreams can be altered by a universal moment. As buried under the pain that one can easily get, once you climb out of that pit of pain, a bright and majestic sun will shine down on you. One is shinning down on me right now. I got my family, I got my friends, (online and off) I got my soul back. I got my health My heart is happy. My best days are ahead of me. My best writing is too. I have books to write, worlds to create, songs to sing. Oh, and a lot more posts to post on my blog.

Okay everyone …. Group hug!

But seriously, why do people make things so complicated? I’m talking about relationships. I mean, I know there is always two sides to every story. (Or so they say) But what is the other side of the story with my parents? My father cheated. He left my mother. Where is it written that he even has a side? And if he was to tell my mother he is hurting, why would he have that right? He left her! So when a girl breaks up with a guy, where does she get off bitching about her being hurt? Hey, if you’re gonna shoot yourself in the foot, don’t bitch about the pain. You were the one who shot yourself in the damn foot. Hobble to a hospital.

Sometimes, there is only one side to a story. One person decides to leave. One person decides to break two hearts. No reason, just because they can I reckon. When you do, don’t be bitching later that your poor heart is broken. You broke it yourself. And don’t expect to be remembered in a pleasant manner when you do. Especially when you have broken promises and told lies repeatedly. You’re in pain? Too bad! Hobble to a hospital.

Is everyone being raised by psychopathic mothers?

In the end, all we have is today. Right here. Right now is all there is. Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow never comes. So if there’s something you want to do or say, now would be the best time to do it or say it.

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