Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Carroll's Journal #21 (Uh-oh)

Sorry if my last journal came off as some kind of incoherent rant. It’s just, when I see how we are treating one another in this world I guess I get a little angry, you know? And really, how can we teach our kids to stop bullying when our governments and law enforcement keep bullying the citizens? It’s not exactly a good role model. We keep talking about change in America and trust me, we are changing, but when I read articles about some of the stupid things we are doing to each other I start to thinking that maybe the changes we are making are all the wrong ones. I can only shrug my shoulders, shake my head and roll my eyes. And hope that we get it together soon before it’s too late. Or maybe it is already too late.

Man, I hope not. That would suck big time.

Okay, I guess I can’t keep this quiet for too long. I have a major announcement to make. I was contacted by a girl I used to kind of hang out with a few years back or whatever. It would seem she has a two year old girl of whom she is claiming could be my daughter. This girl wants me to take a blood test. I have agreed to do so. She gave me a couple of pictures in the meantime. I don’t think the kid looks anything like me except for the blue eyes.

Not to worry, obviously, if she is mine, I will do right by her and the mother. This makes the third time in my life a girl has claimed that I am the father of their child. The other two times the tests came back negative. I am going in to take the test in a couple of weeks. Jennifer and I have already discussed the situation. As expected, she isn’t too pleased with it. She is holding off on making any comment at this time until the results are in. Currently, she has no idea what will become of her and I should the test results conclude that I am indeed this little girls father.

Talk about your big Uh-oh.

The reason I won’t be testing sooner is because I may be going back to California here shortly with a friend of mine not named David. LOL Yes, I know, up to now one must have thought that the only friend I had was David, but that’s not entirely true, I have a couple of other friends too you know. I can count them on one hand. LOL Unless you count my Goodreads friends. Then I have a bunch! Ha-ha

Any-hoot, I am going to the City of the Angels. (Los Angeles) to hang out with some record executives. No, they aren’t interested in my music … yet. A friend of mine is getting courted by a label and he wants me to tag along so ….

Jennifer isn’t too thrilled about it. Most in part because I may not be taking my laptop with me. Meaning, without having a cell-phone, it will be difficult for her to get a hold of me. At least with my lappy I could email her. But I think my friend has a cell-phone so …..

This also means that for a few days, there may not be any new posts on my blog. Unless I decide to bring my lappy in which case, I could find a few minutes to post something. That or maybe David could make a few posts in my stead. Or Hira. But it is an all expense paid trip (except for meals) so how (or why) would I refuse that? Plus, we will probably get to hit another label party and who knows who I will get to see. (Meet) The possibilities are endless. Jennifer did ask if she could come along.

We’ll see.

Uh-oh, Goodreads is still acting up for me. “Bad gateway” - Give me a break. They run slower than my grandma and she is dead. Okay, bad joke maybe, but it’s true. And it happens quite a lot. It can’t be ALL of my computers. Besides, GR is the only site that runs so slow and acts up. I don’t have any problems with any other sites.

When you get hit in the head with a blunt object, how can doctors tell that the object you got hit in the head with was blunt? Couldn’t it have been an un-blunt object?

Okay, this is to address the sharing of that link I mentioned in my last post. Obviously, you have to be 18 or older due to its nature. However, it has gotten to be a burden so no more requests. Thanks.

Uh-oh, just found out over the weekend that my parents are divorcing. Apparently, my father has been seeing a girl 20 years his Jr. It’s been going on for about a year and my mother found out a few weeks ago and now he has moved out of the house. To say I am angry is an understatement. I don’t know what is going to happen from here now with the family. This doesn’t exactly help me in regards to the sanctity of marriage, me being engaged and all. If I never had doubts before, well, I might have some now.

I know, I can’t sit there and judge my relationship and try to compare it to what is going on with my parents but … if they can’t make it work then …. Who can? I mean … I don’t know what I mean. I am completely blown away here. My mind is … mush?

This really sucks!

To top things off, David is leaving May 28th. He is moving to Florida, just outside of Miami. At least now I have a place to go visit during the winter should I get tired of snow. My younger sister is devastated by this divorce. My mother is devastated by this divorce. And I am leveled. I’m really starting to get a bad attitude towards love again. I always had a hard time trusting it. Believing in it. This certainly doesn’t help. The family will never be the same.

Now what?

I have long been worried about my mothers health. It’s been spotty at best the past four or five years ever since her heart attack. She is already frail. She hasn’t been eating much because of this situation so my concerns loom larger than ever. She doesn’t deserve this. I have been giving her pep talks the past couple of days. This will either kill her before years end, or muster up some of that lost audacity and spunk she used to have when I was younger. I am pulling for the latter. (But fear the worse)

To make matters more complicated, Jenny is upset with me. When she came over to break the news to me she said, “I need to talk to you.” and I feared the worse. I thought she was going to break up with me and I mentioned this and it didn’t go down well with her. She thought I was comparing her to a certain somebody and got really mad. She told me finally about my parents then stormed out of the apartment. We haven’t spoken since and that has been a few days. Am I supposed to call her? I mean, she is the one who stormed out. I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for “love” again. The last time I fought for a relationship, I lost. I lost big-time. I got stepped on and spat on and everything. I fought so hard for this girl to even maybe be friends and I still couldn’t get a freaking crumb from her. I just don’t think I have it in me to do it again. It’s too soon. I just can’t let another girl do to me what SHE did to me.

I just can’t.

I decided to go to California without Jenny. My friend and I are also planning to swing by Las Vegas on the return trip. I feel the need to really let loose here. I still have some garbage left over inside that I need to address. More trash I need to take out to the curb. Talk about and up and down ride, 2011 I saw the highest of high’s and the lowest of lows and now, in 2012, it looks like more of the same. I am so much better when the ride is just straight and narrow. No frills and no thrills.

It just doesn’t work that way.

After much thought, I need to get my life more centered. It used to be very quiet and peaceful, once upon a short time. (I know, hard to believe, isn’t it?) I went back in my mind to when it all got out of whack. It started with my CD “Rock That Country” then advanced into Goodreads. It snowballed soon after that. Maybe it was meeting “HER” that did it. That’s when it seems like the wheels just came flying off. Everything started piling up on itself. One stupid thing after another. No wonder my manager wants to get away. LOL

But seriously, I need to start focusing more on writing my books. Recording my music. And getting everything in my life settled down. I need to work on some kind of order. Priorities would help too. I also need to cut down on phone calls. I need to free up some “me” time and “us” time with Jenny. I also need to start spending more time with my family. Mostly my mother, especially in her time of need, like now.

I need to start making those tough decisions.

Maybe this is something I will do when I come back from Los Angeles. I should use some of that time to evaluate and re-evaluate everything. And I mean … EVERYTHING! Chaos may be interesting outside looking in, but it’s ripping me apart. I just need to slow some things down. I need to get back to how my life was in 2009 and most of 2010. Can somebody say - “soul-searching?”

Or is this the price you pay for popularity?

Jenny has just called me and requested that I limit how much I talk about her on my blog. Maybe this is the beginning of me “toning” it down some. Or maybe she is still freaked out by what happened in Newport. She’s just now beginning to understand what being with an author is really like. But if she wants me to tone it down where she is concerned, so be it. Hey, at least she’s talking to me again. That’s a good sign, right?

Or is it just another “uh-oh” in the “uh-oh’s” of my life?

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