Carroll's Journal #22 (Kismet)

I’ll be leaving for California in a few days. I just can’t shake this dizzy feeling. I have been feeling it for about …. For a while now. I don’t know what it is. It’s just a desolate feeling. Like everything I do is just a repeat of what I did at another time. I am forcing myself to do things just to say I am doing something when the truth is …. I don’t feel like doing anything and I don’t know why. It just feels like something is missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Like there’s a hole in my life and it just can’t get filled.

I feel like a doughnut.

I am so out of it that the other day I bought a couple of two liter Pepsi’s and when I got home, I opened one and fixed a drink. When I swallowed I thought it was horse urine. Only to discover that one of the Pepsi’s was “zero calories” - What?!

Now, it’s not that I know what horse urine tastes like, however, I assume that it couldn’t taste much worse than what I swallowed from that Pepsi product. A little word to the cola companies and any other company claiming that their diet product tastes like non-diet - who are you trying to fool? Yourself? Trust me, I don’t care how much other crap you put into your “diet” drinks and foods, it tastes like horse urine!

That’s only half of my beef. The point is, I would have never bought the thing if it didn’t look so much like REGULAR Pepsi in the first place. Labels people, labels! Change the freaking labels. Stop trying to make “horse urine” look so much like regular. Different color would be nice.

I don’t care what it is, Pepsi, Coke, Dr. Pepper, you name it, if it’s zero calories, it’s horse urine. It would be so refreshing if just for once a company would come out with a commercial saying, “Hey everybody, try our new and improved diet drink/food. It tastes like horse urine so … if you like horse urine, you’ll love our product.”

It’s like that show, ‘Two And A Half Men’ - “Hey everyone, we fired Charlie Sheen and he will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher, but the show will still be just as funny.” - Wrong! It sucks Lorre, it sucks! It’s not the same and it’s not funny anymore and you need to shut the show down.

Liar, liar!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has bought one of my books. I am very much speechless when this month’s sales report came in. Of course, it runs two months behind. Still, I am not one who expects much which always seems to keep me in a pretty decent mood for the most part. (except for recently for some strange reason) I can say that I had a smile a mile wide though when I saw the report. I really hope those who are reading my books are enjoying them. And please, spread the word if the mood strikes you. LOL

My mother thinks my father is having a mid life crisis which is why he is acting the way he is. I had to tell her to stop making excuses for him. There is no need for anyone to cheat on another. No reason at all. He is 60 years old or better. (I really don’t know. I suck as a son. Haha) Still, it’s wrong. Just wrong I tell you. And while they may end up working it out, or in other words, she forgives him and lets him back in the house, I came clean with my feelings about how difficult it would be for me to look past it. Things can’t be the same again. Not this time. But it’s her life, and she has to decide what is best for her. I support her no matter what. Just don’t ask, or expect me to forget about it. Or forgive. I have no tolerance for liars and cheaters.

I’d go crazy if I weren’t already nuts. Or something to that effect.

I think I have figured out why love hurts so much. I don’t think it necessarily has to do with the knowledge that the person you love so much doesn’t want to spend the rest of their life with you, but rather, the person you love so much never cared about you to begin with that hurts. Yes, I think that is it. Oh, and the ‘never spend the rest of their life with you’ plays a part too.

Did I just have an epiphany?

My sleeping has been so erratic of late after having been doing so well ever since I got engaged. Perhaps reality is finally sinking in. The only question is, which reality am I allowing to sink in? The one where I am getting married or the other one? The one I refuse to admit. To talk about. Maybe both realities are merging together to form one big super reality that I can’t expunge from my fantasies because the acceptance level of my expectations won’t allow me to reprogram what is real and what used to be real nor filtered down to its essence of being therefore, causing my cranium to retract in on itself and …. Oh my, I’ve gone and done it … I went cross-eyed.

Okay, so now I am not getting married. Not right now anyway. The wedding was cancelled or postponed or … however you wish to look at it. We’re still “seeing” each other but …. You know how that goes. I’m hopeful it will all be worked out. Maybe this Califronia trip is just what I need.

Love is: Making a list of all the people you have ever met. Separating them by those you are glad to have met. Those you can’t forget. Those you wish you could have met. Those you wish you could forget. Those you know you will never meet again … until you get to that one person you wish you never met. That’s the person you should probably be with.

Another epiphany?

I hope you all like the changes I added on the blog. I added the “search” box to make it easier for you to search for whatever you want in case there are certain things you like to read, you don’t have to spend so much time clicking useless links, just type in a keyword of what you want to read and BOOM! There you go.

You’re welcome. LOL

Actually, I would have added it sooner except … the thing is … I didn’t know how. LOL But like everything else, give me a little time and sooner or later I will figure it out. The lone exception of course being the female gender. I doubt I will ever figure them out. Every time I make an attempt it’s like trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole. You know, with a little muscle grease and lubricant I could probably ….. Never mind, my thoughts just went gutter.

I hope to post my new song up shortly. It is called, “Said And Done”. I think you’ll like it. I hope you do. I do. LOL Now comes the hard part, trying to find time to get back into the studio to work on another. Heck, harder than that is trying to decide which song I want to work on. I have been thinking about this one song I wrote called, “Utopia” and this other one called “Hated Out Of Love” ….. tough choice. Maybe I should post a poll on Goodreads and let the people decide. That actually sounds like a good idea. I could post like five songs and let my group decide my next studio song.

The thing about love is, it’s not kismet, you don’t choose it, it chooses you.

I learned that my father got the holy crap kicked out of him by his new GF’s husband. I heard it was pretty bad. That he was crying out for someone to call the police. Really? Call the police? Screw that dad, stand up like a man and take your medicine. You mess with another guys wife you should expect that kind of reaction, right? Be a man, tough up. Geesh. I would rather get my butt kicked than to have the police come to my rescue. But that’s just me. That’s also what you get for cheating on mom.

Liar, Liar!

If it comes down to it, I will buy my mother a new house and take care of her. That’s what a good son is supposed to do, right? Take care of his mother when father goes MIA? That’s why people have kids, correct? To take care of them when they grow old? Of course, I don’t have any kids so who will take care of me? Maybe I will be like Hugh Hefner and when I am 90 I will have a hot young 25 year old to take care me. You know, someone to feed me, make sure I take all my medications, to change my oxygen tank, give me a sponge bath, and as expected, change my diaper.

Wait! … What? O_o