Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Carroll's Journal 51 (Rat-Tat-Tat)

It finally happened! Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are broken up. I have been up partying now for well over three and a half days. Why? I don’t exactly know. I guess it’s just nice to think that the next time I go to California, and I bump into her, that she and I might … share some drinks at a low lit bar. You know, to exchange some artistic … um …. Thoughts? Yeah! Artistic thoughts. That’s the ticket.

Anyhow, everybody is gone. They left a long time ago. The only ones who remain is some midget (like to be called “little people”) named Gordon, a donkey we named Rat-Tat-Tat, and a one legged hooker who wears an eye patch over her left eye. The place is a mess. Gordon is in the bathroom right now dry heaving to the porcelain God while the one legged hooker takes a shower. The donkey is lying very still on the bedroom floor next to the bed. I don’t think he’s breathing. I think he’s dead.

Oh well, sounds like sandwiches for lunch to me.

Although, the lease agreement on him did state that if anything happens to Rat-Tat-Tat that I forfeit my deposit. I wonder if it would just be cheaper to just go out and buy another donkey to pass off as Rat-Tat-Tat? But where would I be able to find another donkey at this hour? I’ll ask Gordon. I doubt the one legged hooker would know anything about donkeys. On the other hand, she sure knew a lot about them last night. Or was that Gordon getting friendly with Rat-Tat-Tat? Man, I am so out of it. I blacked out shortly after removing Gordon’s garter belt.

Looking around, I notice a lot of banana peels on the floor. That can’t be good.

I also read somewhere that Selena mentioned something about if she still lived in Texas, she would have a couple of kids by now. Sounds like my kind of girl. I have got to go live in Texas. If only for a year.

What the freak was that noise coming from the bathroom? I think the one legged hooker slipped and fell in the tub. I probably should go check it out, but Gordon is in there, he can help her back up. He’s quite buff for three feet tall.

And OMG! What the hell is that smell? Oh wait, never mind, it’s the donkey. Sorry about that Rat-Tat-Tat. I’m sure gonna miss you buddy. We got quite close over the past few days. You are the ultimate party animal, bar none. Except for that heard of sheep I stumbled across one night in that field walking back from …. Never mind. It’s not important.

Has anyone seen my wallet?

I see a ticket on the kitchen table. That means the police must have showed up at some point. Funny, I do not recall that. According to this, I have to appear in court next week for a noise complaint. Oh, and answer some questions about the midget (like to be called ‘little people’), the donkey and the one legged hooker with a patch over her left eye.

Gordon I can explain. Even the donkey. The one legged hooker with a patch over her left eye? That will be a little more difficult. I could swear though that the patch was over her right eye when she first showed up at the door with a twelve pack and some Zima in her hands. Didn’t she have a prosthetic leg? I’m pretty sure she did. I don’t know, maybe she didn’t. Who can say? I was pretty lit up by the time she arrived and Gordon and Rat-Tat-Tat was already here.

There sure are a lot of pizza boxes scattered about the place. Did we order pizza? Must have, I mean, duh, pizza boxes.

This is awful though. With Thanksgiving right around the corner and Christmas on the horizon, poor donkey. He was certainly a trooper though, I give him props for that. He mentioned something about his Uncle being a big-shot TV star on that old hit show “Hee-Haw”. Must have been cool to work with the likes of Buck Owens, Roy Clark, Junior Samples, Minnie Pearl, Grandpa Jones, George Lindsey from “The Andy Griffith Show” - he was Goober, and the rest of the crew. There sure were a lot of famous people on that show. Many guest appearances too by such big name stars like George Jones, Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lyn and Charlie Pride. I think my favorite country star was Conway Twitty. Mostly because I like the name Twitty. It’s a cool name.

They had so many guest stars on that show it isn’t funny. How long did they run for? 10 years? Longer? Wait! I think it ran up until 1992. *Shrugs shoulders* Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter.

Is Buck Owens still alive?

It’s still pretty cool though. For Rat-Tat-Tat to have a family member that starred on such an iconic show is pretty awesome. Well, it was pretty awesome. Poor Rat-Tat-Tat.

I think Gordon helped the one legged hooker back up. She is singing in the shower. Man, I hope she is wearing her prosthetic leg. It would be a shame if we lost it. Those things cost a lot of money. I hope my mother doesn’t decide to drop by for an unannounced visit. Not that she would be too shocked by what she would see, just - you know - she will give me one of them looks. You know the one. The look right before she rolls her eyes.

I should vacuum the floors. God knows this place could use it right about now. I don’t feel so good. Why does my butt hurt? Maybe I would feel better if I ate something. All I have in the fridge at the moment is a big jar of … “Hey! Who ate all of the goddamn dill pickles?”

Man, this blows. I was really looking forward to having a pickle too.

This is all your fault, Selena Gomez. You broke up with the Biebs and got me all excited and … well, look on the bright side, now she is free to go find another 16 year old to corrupt. I can only wonder how excited I would be if Miley became single again. She is my number one Hollywood crush. Maybe I will throw another party when that happens. I’m pretty sure Gordon would be up for it. Maybe even the one legged hooker with a patch over her left eye. Too bad about what happened to Rat-Tat-Tat. Now I have to worry about PETA getting all up in my grill and shit.

Yeah, like I need that right now!

Good thing I have some BBQ sauce.

Sounds like the one legged hooker is done with her shower. Gordon is standing in the bathroom doorway with a filled water-balloon in his hands and a shit eating grin on his face. I don’t know what that means and if I ever discover it, don’t look for me to share it with any of you.

Wait just a cotton picking minute! Didn’t we have some hamsters running around here somewhere?

This nightmare just keeps getting worse and worse.

Son of a bitch! Rat-Tat-Tat just stood up! Whew, that’s cool. I guess I get my deposit back after all. Now if only I can remember who we rented him from.

“What’s that Gordon? … Yeah, I love you too little buddy. Now, let’s get that one legged hooker out of the bathroom and dry her off. This party just might have a little spark left in it.”

All kidding aside, earlier this month I surpassed 250,000 page views. Really everyone, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. This blog isn’t even 11 months old yet and already, to have a quarter of a million views is absolutely mind blowing. I could have never been able to fathom such a number in my wildest dreams. So thank you all for taking a little time out of your busy days to read my posts. I really do truly appreciate it.

Random Thought: “There’s nothing like a reality check to pull you out of your fantasy world.”

Another random thought: "She thinks that I still care." 

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