Saturday, December 10, 2016

Bad Santa (A Poem)


It was the night before Christmas and old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, and ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches because I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner got pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sends me a letter

They say I owe taxes, if that ain't damn funny 
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days they are all the pits 
They want the impossible, those greedy little shits

I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo-yo's, but there's no requests for them
They want computers and iphones, they think I'm IBM

If you think that's bad then just picture this
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss
They squeeze my nose and grab at my beard 
And if I don't smile all the time then they think I am weird 

Flying through the air and dodging all the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job as there is no more enjoyment 
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

If there is no Christmas this year, now you know the reason
I found me a hot bitch, and heading SOUTH for the season

Merry Fucking Christmas you Ho, Ho, Ho's.

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