Friday, January 16, 2015

Carroll's Journey: Gowing Crayzee

I have decided to change the title of my journal to "journey". (Not to be mistaken for one of the greatest rock bands ever!) The reason for this is probably because I am going insane and needed to do something to validate that feeling.

When I was younger, I was never one to get much involved with politics. In hindsight, I wish I would have because it is all screwed up. Sometimes I think that if I had gotten more involved there would be more people with commonsense. Then again, sometimes I feel like I am the only one in America who isn't stupid or a communist / socialist. But that's only because I don't belong to any democratic or republican group. Nor do I belong to any church or religion so I also do not have to be bound by religious rules or ways of life. I am pretty much a free man. I think for myself and not for any organization. A true free spirit. I'm the only one who tells me what to believe. I wish everyone could feel how good that is.

On the medical front; My heart is still beating so .... that's good, I guess. I think. No, of course it is good. Been having a wonderful time playing with Caden and the twins over the holidays. Little Atley is a handful. He is always smiling and laughing and making funny faces. He loves it when uncle Carz holds him. He's taken fond of me it seems. Precious Paisley is a little reserved. She has a select few of people she allows to hold her for now. So it would seem that the ambitious, if not rambunctious, one is Atley. He is the "dreamer" of the two and Paisley is the "down to earth" one. The conservative. While Atley will just jump right into things without a care, Paisley wants to dip her toes in the water first. She's the reasonable one.

I guess the extension of my life was worth it to be there for all of their birthdays and especially the twins first birthday. And again, the holidays were great. But I was supposed to get some heart tests done this month and was going to get the results of those tests on Feb. 11th, my next doctor appointment. However, I got to thinking that maybe I didn't want to know if my heart was getting better, worse or staying about the same. Seriously, do I really want to know if my heart is getting worse? And that I should get on a list? The fact is, I would never put my name on a list at this stage in the game. I think any good donor heart should go to someone young who has a lot more years left to live than I. The younger the better. But that's just the way I feel about it so if I'm not even going to bother putting my name on a list then why worry about how well my heart is going? I mean, I know how I feel and I feel great. It's over four months since my last cigarette. I am proud of that accomplishment and even more prouder that I didn't need any stupid patches. I have always said, the best way to quit anything is to just stop doing it.

I want the rest of my life to be like the first part of my life, and be a surprise. What happens happens. I know the doctor wants to know but, he's just gonna have settle for a job well done to this point and let me continue building off the good things that have happened recently, and with my recovery. In fact, I feel so good that I challenged a 16 year football player to a race after he jokingly called me "old man". We raced a 40 (40 yard dash) on the football field with his father timing us both. The kid won but, only by a few feet. (About a yard.) In my defense, the kid dropped to the ground for a few moments and was huffing and puffing harder than I. Unfortunately, for the next few days after that race, I was restricted to house duty for soreness of muscles. (Ha-ha)

So my physical recovery time is a little longer than it used to be, that will all be rectified shortly with my new workout routine getting put together for the start of this Spring. Still, there are some people close to me who don't know quite what to think about my "not knowing" the condition of my heart.

I have always rubbed many the wrong way. Some think I do it on purpose, that I am a little hard or difficult or grizzled - rough around the edges - because I enjoy ticking people off. Okay, yeah, maybe, but .... I am also like I am and make things difficult sometimes to challenge others when I think they need challenging. I have parted ways with most of my young friends from Goodreads because it was in their best interest. Some friendships just weren't meant to be. The few who remain are highly intelligent and ambitious people who are unique in their own special way. They are on a higher level of thinking and living - the same level I lived on - and they are in the process of doing some great things. In the beginning stages anyway. Those are the people I love to watch fly because they will fly the highest. It's the crayzee ones who have the most fun.

There have been several people who have asked me how it really felt being so close to death. I tell you all that I have been in the clutches of death at least a dozen times throughout my life (for various reasons), and each time was the same - it was calm, not very painful at all, and in fact, dying and being so close to death has always felt like arms holding you as you go to sleep. It's very peaceful. It really is. Almost comforting. No, it is comforting. Then again, I am not afraid of dying so maybe it's just like that for me. And perhaps I am not afraid of death because I live free in my beliefs and in the knowledge of the universe. I don't know. But it is relaxing or at least, this last time around, it was very relaxing. The only thing that was hurting was my heart from the heart-attack. There's really nothing to fear, crossing over. It's just another part of the journey. The journey of Carz.

So I am back to my old self yet, new self at the same time. I am back to my usual no good things and my secret do-gooder things. I make some people feel like a million bucks and others to feel like they want to strangle me. Some times you have to treat people differently in order to treat them the same or I.E. to get the best out of them and them out of themselves. And sometimes, you got to stir the damn pot otherwise, stuff start to stick on the sides and the bottom and trust me ..... you don't want that. It will get you to start gowing crayzee.

P.S. - A short while ago I thought I would try something new - that something didn't quite last so long or work out as I thought it would. In short, I caved. Let's just say that non-sexual relationships are hard to wiggle through. But I found a new toy which to play. I also discovered a couple new things about the universe so 2015 looks pretty good from where I'm sitting. Always remember, you can't be having that much fun if you're not getting dirty. Cleaning up afterwards is the best part of getting dirty. (He-he)


The secret message is: "She's a lot like you."

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