Friday, June 12, 2015

Jibberish Jibber Jabber

Here we are again, my dear, alone at last and not a dollar to our name. Mad Max unleashes hell. Justin Timberlake or Justin Bieber? MaDonna MaGod. Cardiac arrest made easy. How many women has George Clooney boned? Has John Stamos boned? I'm Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiid Roooooooock! Don't stand so close to me. Nobody talks about Miley anymore, do they? I'm Henry The Eighth I am. You can tune a fork but you can't tuna fish. My grandmother didn't get her license until she was 52 years old. Everybody I know be doing it, doing it, doing it better than me. I and I alone take full credit. The last girl I had sex with had sex with me too. Love takes time. Take too much time and you might not love at all. Love is like oxygen. Hell ain't a bad place to be. Rock and roll is dead, that or it's alive and living in the deepest part of a pop singers anus. I started talking when I was eight months old and my first words were, "I ain't eating that sh#t!" 

The only reason I want to find Waldo is to kick his stupid colorful ass. Live fast and Die Hard. Die Harder. Live Free or Die Hard. If you name a boy Woody, would he have a hard-on all the time? Take my place just don't take my life. Take my wife just don't take my guitar. Take my money, but spare me a dime so I can call my mother. Rod Stewart and Cher should get married. Chocolate melts in your mouth and not in your hand. Okay, it melts in your hand if you're standing outside under a hot sun. My car won't start and I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere. With no one. Can you tell me please, who wrote the book of love? I think I will apply to become the 15th Dalai Lama.

Sometimes I just want a ham sammitch and nothing else. "I ain't eating that sh#t!" This is really hard to say, but nothing is easy. Can't tuna fish but you sure can tune a piano. Who in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks do you think you are? Run that by me again? My farts can sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night and when they do, I always think there is an earth quake happening or something. Mostly though I think it's an earth quake. God hates California. There is no Dog. California hates California. Why does the 'end of the world' movies always occurs in California? 

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers? I know I said that wrong, didn't I? Help! I need somebody. When was the last time Jodie Foster made a movie? Johnny Cash and June Carter used to be my favorite Hollywood couple and yet, they weren't the Hollywood type. They were country singers and performers. I know a girl who knows a guy who knows another girl who has a mother that still exercises to Jane Fonda work-out videos. For the right girl, I would wear a collar with spikes poking out of it, around my neck, in public. I will not wear a muzzle though. Okay, maybe I would wear the muzzle, but I won't like it. Okay, maybe I would like it just a little bit.

Jane Fonda work-out videos?

You know it's been a rough day when the milk you just bought from the store expires the next day. I'll never reveal that chocolate chip cookies are my favorite cookies of all time, so don't ask. I'm not saying I'm the smartest person I know, but I am saying I'm the only one I know who is as smart as me. Sometimes, one is not enough. Go for broke! Go for broke? Go for broke. Go for broke again!

King of pain.

Whatever happened to live and let live? Did it just fade away or did it die? Goldfinger. Sometimes when I stargaze, I nod off and dream that I'm stargazing. My computer smells funny. If I am ever out hunting and I stumble upon Big Foot, I am blowing his damn head off regardless of the laws against it. UFO's are real. I seen one. Stephen Hocking is really scared of extraterrestrials. That didn't come out right. Stephen Hocking is really scared of extraterrestrials. On second thought, it did come out right the first time. I fell down once and couldn't get up. We should stop passing laws that protect stupid people. Drink the bleach you idiot. Drink it! Of course smoking is bad for you, Jesus Christ, why do you think you coughed so much the first time you inhaled? Jesus Christ.

There's no business like show business so please business mind your own business. 

I want my famous last words to be more famous rather than last. 


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