Thursday, July 3, 2014

Carroll Bryant's Funny Conversations


Joe: "I hope I'm never in a situation where my life hangs in the ballots."

Me: "Balance."

Joe: "Say what?"

Me: "It's balance. You hope you're never in a situation where your life hangs in the balance."

Joe: "Are you sure? Because it would seem to me that something like that would come down to a vote, and in order to vote, you have to cast a ballot."

(Short Pause)

Greg: "I see they serve ice cream here." (Looks at Joe) "Think they have sprinkles?"

Joe: "I'm sure they do. It doesn't hurt to ask."

Me: O_O


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Joe: "Have you seen the new DirecTV commercial yet?"

Me: "The man and his puppet son who gets caught in the ceiling fan?"

Joe: "No, the new one."

Me: "Oh, the man and his friend talking when the puppet wife enters the room with a tray of refreshments and spills it all over the place?"

Joe: "No, that was the first one. The ceiling fan with the son was the second one. There's a new one out now where the man is in the bed and the puppet wife enters wearing a sexy night gown."

Me: "Haven't seen it yet. Why? What about it?"

Joe: "The puppet wife is kind of hot in that one. It kind of turned me on."

Me: "You're joking, right?"

Joe: "I think I want one."

Me: "You want a female puppet? You don't mean ...intimately do you?"

Joe: "Well ...."

Me: "That's messed up."

Joe: "The only thing stopping me is the splinter risks."

(Short Pause)

Me: "We really need to make a list of unacceptable discussion topics."



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Joe: "Why do they say 'apple of my eye'? Everyone knows that the Adams Apple is located in your throat, not your eye. It should be, 'apple of my throat'."

*Long pause*

Me: "Dude, I just wanna eat my sandwich."

(Tune in next time when Joe says) "They should give boogers a new name. Something more disgusting. When I was a kid, the word booger was funny and it made me want to pick my nose. They should give it a name that discourages that. Something really disgusting like ...."

Me: "Dude, I'm eating my sandwich here!"


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Joe: "My wife and kids love your lasagna."

Me: "Thanks."

Joe: "Here, take this twenty dollars. If you get time, could you make a whole pan for us?"

Me: "Sure. I'll be making baked spaghetti in a few days. I could make it then."

Joe: "Baked spaghetti? Here, take another twenty. We'll take a pan of that too."

Me: *Sighs* "Okay. But let's not make a habit of it."

Joe: "If you ever find yourself homeless, and needing a place to stay, we always have a room for you at our house. I won't even charge you rent as long as you cook."

Me: "I'll keep that in mind. But there's a greater chance of you getting divorced than me becoming homeless."

Joe: "You're right. If I get divorced, I'm coming to live with you."

Me: "I only have one bedroom, dude."

Joe: *cupping my chin* "We'll work it out, sweetheart."


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 Gary: (Singing): "Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, another rubber in the night, blinded by the ...."

Me: "Wait, wait, wait! Hold up a minute. What did you say?"

Gary: "It's that song by Manfred Mann, 'Blinded By The Light'. I heard it on the radio on my way over here."

Me: "I know what song it is you are trying to sing, I just want to know what you said. Did you say, 'wrapped up like a douche, another rubber in the night'?"

Gary: "Yeah."

Me: "It's, 'revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night'."

Gary: "You sing songs your way, I'll sing them mine, okay Mr. Lyricists?"

Joe: "My favorite is, (singing) 'Hold me close young Tony Danza'."

Me: "How can you not hear 'Tiny Dancer'? It's the song title for crying out loud."

Greg: "I like, (singing) 'she's got electric boobs, a mohawk foo, you know I read it in a magazine, oh ..... b-b-b-bennie and the jets-sssssss'."

Me: "What the ...? What is a 'mohawk foo' anyway?"

Gary: (Singing) "Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight, losing my religion ..."

(Everyone breaks out in laughter)

Me: "It's settled! I'm having lunch with my mother tomorrow."

Joe: (Singing): "Hold me closer Carroll Bryant ...."


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 AND NOW, A CARROLL BRYANT THOUGHT:


"If life gives you lemons, keep them. It's free lemons."

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AND NOW, A CARROLL BRYANT DREAM:



What a rush! There's nothing like facing your fears head on like I did at the amusement park. I decided to get on the big ferris wheel as I am afraid of heights. A cute blond girl got on with me. My body shook every time it got to the top. Then without warning, the stupid thing just stopped, and wouldn't you know it, it stopped right when me and this girl were at the very top too. Now every muscle in my body was shaking me into a frenzy.

I kept my cool as best I could what with that girl in the cart with me. Suddenly, I heard a scream like none other. It was piercing through me. I turned my head to the left and couldn't believe what i saw. It was Godzilla! And it was looking right at me, heading slowly in our direction.

I became frantic. I did everything I could to get that bar in my lap up so I could leap out. I figured it would be best to jump to my death rather than be eaten by Godzilla.

No matter how hard the girl and I tried, we just couldn't get that bar up to try and make an escape. Next thing I know, Godzilla is right there next to the ferris wheel. I turned to the girl. "Sorry." I told her. She looked at me oddly. "This isn't your fault."

I shook my head. "No, I know this isn't my fault, I am sorry for what I'm about to do."

She looked at me confused. "What are you about to do?"

"I'm about to wake up." I said.

Next thing I know, I am sitting on the edge of my bed, running my hands through my hair. "What a rush!" I exclaimed, happy not to be Godzilla poop. But I can't help but wonder - did the girl make it out alive?


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