Gary: "My sister and I was talking the other day and I discovered that she watches The View."
Me: "My condolences."
Gary: "She says that's where she gets her political news."
Me: "She would be better off getting a lobotomy, she'd be a lot smarter. Why would anyone watch that show unless they love to hate? I would rather watch a show with ISIS sitting around and talking about all the ways they would kill Americans, Christians, and Jews, it would be less hateful. All those girls combined have an I.Q. of negative fifty. None of them has had sex for over 20 years, which would explain all of that pent up frustration. And the last time Whoopi Goldberg had sex was 1985 when she drugged Bill Cosby."
Gregg: "Tell us how you really feel."
Me: "I thought I did."
Joe: "That's the kind of comedy we need in this country, and not that Samantha Bee bull-shit."
Me: "I hear ya. That bitch couldn't be funny if you stuck a laugh track up her ass."
Gary: "You should get your own stand-up show on Comedy Central."
Me: "Comedy Central? The Discovery Channel is funnier than Comedy Central. Ever since Jon Stewart left, Comedy Central has become CNN2, and nobody even watches the original CNN. The last time Comedy Central had a funny person on their network was Amy Schumer, back before she made it big and we found out what a douche' she is."
Joe: "Plus, you would have to go to New York, and we all know how you hate New York."
Gregg: "Is that where Comedy Central is located? I thought it was in California?"
Me: "New York, California, what does it matter? I plan to never go to those states ever again because I don't support socialism, communism, or terrorism in any shape, form or fashion. I only support states that are pro-America and Americans. I can't wait until Nevada becomes ocean-front property."
Joe: "What if you're going somewhere and you have to drive through a socialist state?"
Me: "I make sure I have plenty of food and water and a full tank of gas, and I drive straight through without stopping. I will avoid spending any money in a socialist state, if I can."
Gregg: "Is that your new motto?"
Me: "That's my new creed." (Laughter) "Walk Hard."
Gary: "Yeah, my sister is kind of stupid."