Friday, March 27, 2015

Carroll's Journey: Love Knock Know


What is wrong with you? Seriously! What the hell is wrong with you? I helped to practically raise you. I fed you. I dressed you. I read you stories when you were a little girl. I cared for you and protected you and played with you and then you go on and treat me like this? Like shit? Like I am nothing?

You give me no respect. You give me no trust. What the hell did I ever do to you that was so bad that you have to go thinking I am some kind of horrible monster or something?

You didn't even seem too concerned when I nearly lost my life from a heart-attack. What is that all about? It's almost like you wished I would have died. That's what I picked up from your behavior. And I don't understand why. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to please you anymore. Never! You have allowed yourself to create a fantasy in your head and you won't let it go. You make me a victim of your stupidity. You pushed me away and I'm pretty damn sure you're absolutely thrilled about it. 

You have no idea how many times I have wanted to call you a bitch but then I realize it is pointless because that would just be flattery for you. 

I did everything I could to show you love. You were my world. The one thing that could never be tainted. Then you became tainted. You followed the same footsteps of your other half brother and sister. Two fucking idiots that, like you, think they are better than me. 

But I know it's not all entirely your fault. You were raised by your mother. As was the other two. There is a connection. A pattern. But you .... I thought you were smarter than they were. I thought you were better than they were. I WAS WRONG! ...... So, so wrong. 

You have pushed me away. Just like the other two. And just like the other two, you win. And ... YOU LOSE! You lost one of just a few people in this world that would have given their life for you. That can't be good. 

Don't come knocking on my door anymore. Not that you ever did before. Not that it matters to me now. Not that it ever will again. Just know this: I don't care anymore. 

So go ahead and tell your children that it was all me. Forget to mention that it was you who pushed me away with some stupid notion of yours. Forget to tell them that you have spent the past 20 years thinking you were so much better than me. Smarter than me. Go ahead, tell them! But we both know that is not true. I am the better one. I am the smarter one. Because I didn't betray someone who showed me nothing but love all my life. YOU DID! 

And for this, I hate you. 
I will always hate you from this point forward.
You, like them, don't deserve me.
It is I who deserve better.
A better older brother.
A better older sister.
A better younger sister.
A better family in general. 

Or maybe I got what I deserved.

Let the following be the last words I say to you.

I will always love you.


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