Blonde Joke: Doctor, Doctor

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Joke: The Speeding Ticket

I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk myself out of it. Until the officer took a look at the back seat where my dog was. Yeah, I wasn't going to be able to get out of this one. My poor dog.

Fun Time: Bubblegum Blues

Please read this carefully!

 

I do not want this to happen to the people who mean so much to me.

 

 

 

 

Joke: "Sex In the Dark"

There was this couple who have been married for twenty years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted the light be turned off. After twenty years of this, the wife grew tired of it. She thought it to be ridiculous and sought to stop her husband of this insane habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of some wild, romantic and crazy, screaming sex, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery operated device. “A vibrator?” She shouted. “You have been using a vibrator?” It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. “You impotent bastard!” She screamed, going completely ballistic on him. “How could you lie to me for all these years? You better explain yourself, Mister!”

The husband looks her straight into the eyes and very calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy. You explain the kids.”

MY THANKS TO SHARON FOR SHARING THIS WITH ME.

Joke: Identity Theft

MY THANKS TO LORI FOR SHARING THESE WITH ME.

Joke 11: Repartée‏

Thomas Reed VS Henry Clay

Winston Churchill VS Lady Astor

Abraham Lincoln vs. Stephen Douglas, after Douglas called him two-faced during a debate.

Calvin Coolidge vs. Some random lady at a White House dinner.

Edna Ferber vs. Noel Coward: Coward was remarking upon the fact that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.

Groucho Marx vs. A contestant on You Bet Your Life, after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.

Henry Clay vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster after seeing a pack of mules walk by.

James McNeill Whistler vs. Oscar Wilde, after Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.

Miriam Hopkins vs. An anonymous singer

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart vs. An admirer.

NYC Mayor Ed Koch vs. Andrew Kirtzman, after the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made.

Oscar Wilde vs. Lewis Morris. Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship.

Pierre Trudeau vs. Richard Nixon, upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.

Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs. The U.S. Senate, when asked if he prayed for the Senators.

Senator Fritz Hollings vs. Henry McMastor, when challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.

Winston Churchill vs. A Member of Parliament.

 

Joke 10 Turtle and Rabbit

Joke 9 (The Doctor)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.  "Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." 

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

My thanks to Sharon for sharing this with me.

BrainTwister #1

If it's true, that you can only contract HIV (the virus that causes aides) by exchanging bodily fluids with someone who already has it, then who did the first person to ever have it, catch it from?

Joke #8 Troll Me.

Joke #7 "Deep Thoughts" by Skip Skeeter

So I have this friend named Skip, but we all call him Skeeter. He has some deep thoughts from time to time and when we sit down every now and then to play some poker, he shares them with us. He asked me if I would post some of them on my blog, so I figured, what the heck. And here is the first batch. Enjoy.

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And now, "Deep Thoughts" by Skip Skeeter.
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It’s always good to wake up in the morning after a heavy night of drinking, knowing that the girl you met while intoxicated is still in the bed with you. What sucks is when she rolls over and her appearance makes you want to regurgitate.

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And now, “Deep Thoughts” by Skip Skeeter.

When I was a young man, and a prostitute offered me sex for twenty dollars, I always got excited. Now, many years later and with inflation, when they offer me sex for twenty dollars, I have to wonder, why so cheap? Does she have an STD? So I use a condom to make sure I don’t catch anything. And if I don’t have a condom on me, I pay the twenty dollars anyway and risk it. But I don’t get as excited about it as I used to. Well, maybe I do, I just prefer not to show it.

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And now, “Deep Thoughts” by Skip Skeeter.

Death is always a mystery, but I wonder, do we reflect on our lives as they claim we do right before we die? I mean, what questions do we ask ourselves in those final moments of life? Did we live right? Did we do the best we could? Will we be missed? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure if I were on a rollercoaster and it skipped off the track and went flying through the air before nose diving towards the ground, my last thought would be, “Damn it!”

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And now, “Deep Thoughts” by Skip Skeeter.

Just to make myself perfectly clear, I am against slapping a girl across the face. Unless she asks me to. In which case, I would slap that bitch silly. But only in bed. There is something to be said for rough sex. Actually, I don’t think I would limit myself to just the bed, I’m pretty sure I would slap her in the kitchen if she burnt my meatloaf dinner. But only if she asked me to. Then again, it would be nice if she paid me to slap her. Yeah, that would be sweet.

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And now, “Deep Thoughts” by Skip Skeeter.

Often times I wonder, where would we be without toilet paper? It was a pretty good invention. Could you imagine the alternative without it? I can’t. And next time I use the potty, I am going to give toilet paper a try. Pinky swear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to wash my hands.

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And now, “Deep Thoughts” by Skip Skeeter.

I say, "you can drink an ugly girl pretty, but you can't drink a fat girl thin." My wife says, "you can drink an ugly man handsome, but you can't drink a small penis large." 

Joke #6 Andy Griffith Special

In memory of recently departed, Andy Griffith, I wanted to share this with my readers. I hope you enjoy it.

Joke #5 (Little Johnny)

It was Friday morning in school and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called "Add To The Picture".

The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off.

James returned to his seat. The teacher called on Ernie next.

Ernie returned to his seat. Now it was Suzy's turn.

Suzy retunred to her seat. Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

Jerry returned to his seat. Kim was called to the board.

Kim returned to her seat. About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being a prankster and a little off center, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

The entire class erupted with laughter.

Joke #4 Fifty Bucks Is Fifty Bucks

This is a true story. I think. If it's not, it probably should be.

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. " Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said:

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Joke #3

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry."

The man shakes his head. "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I over-sleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss fires me for it. When I leave the building, to go my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I discover I lost my wallet and all of my credit cards along with it. The cab driver just drives away, calling me fowl names. When I walk into my house, I find my wife in bed with my best friend. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Joke #2

WHY DID THE DUCK CROSS THE ROAD?

PLATO: For the greater good.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no duck has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all ducks will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the duck: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the duck crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more ducks have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The duck did not cross the road. I repeat, the duck did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the duck crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this duck doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the duck crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Duck 2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. It is not compatible, however, with Duck 1997. Or Macintosh.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the duck cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the duck crossing? And what about the grassy knoll?"

DARWIN: Ducks, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the duck crossed the road or the road moved beneath the duck depends upon your frame of reference ...

JOHN F. KENNEDY: Don’t ask what the duck can do for the road, but what the road can do for the duck.

MOB STOOLIE: What duck? What road? I didn’t see nothing, hear? Nothing I tell you, you see? Yeah, that’s the ticket.

JOE PESCI: Duck? A duck crossed the f&#king road? Are you sure about that? In what universe does it take for a duck to cross the F%$king road? Are you sure about that duck crossing the road?!

HOMER SIMPSON: Woohoo! Doh!

MATLOCK: You know the duck crossed the road. I know the duck crossed the road. This whole court knows the duck crossed the road. The question isn’t if the duck crossed the road or even why it crossed the road. The question is, what road did the duck cross? I think you know the answer to that one, don’t you?

GARY COLEMAN: What you talking bout Willis?

MIKE WALLACE: Why did the duck cross the road? Find out next on 60 minutes.

ANDY ROONEY: Now, I’m not one to care about ducks crossing roads, but if you’re a road just minding your own business, wouldn’t you want to know why a duck would be crossing you? And if so, wouldn’t you be concerned about how long it would take a duck to cross you? Those webbed feet doesn’t make it any easier what with that hot pavement of the road scorching through, it’s enough to drive you crazy. Wouldn’t it have just been better if the duck didn’t cross the road? Or better yet, waited until night fall when the asphalt of the road was much cooler to walk on when crossing? I don’t even know why it’s so important for us to know the reasons why a duck would cross the road. Is it really any of our concern?

Joke #1

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything. Our maid will be the working class because she works for us. You will be the people because you answer to us. And your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit.”