Carroll's Journal 46 (Hold On)

A friend of mine appeared at my door last Monday. He wanted to stay for a week and visit. The following evening he breaks the news that he is flat broke. He won’t have any money until the first of October. So being the kind person that I try to be, I continue to allow him to stay. I feed him. I give him drink. I buy him cigarettes. He owns the couch and the living room TV. I try to ask him questions about how he had gotten into the mess he is in. I mean, this time last year, he had over ten thousand dollars in his bank account, a new house, a job, a girlfriend. He is quiet with his answer as well as evasive.

He changes the subject.

A few nights later, I sneak his laptop and take it into my bedroom. I open it and find a folder. It’s his computer diary. I do this only to try and figure out how he had fallen so hard and so fast. I can’t help people if I don’t know the problem. Strike that - I won’t help people if they don’t tell me the problem. How do I know this guy doesn’t have a gambling problem or something? When somebody has an addiction they aren’t willing to admit to, then nobody can help them.

Am I right?

I save the folder on a stick and return his computer from where I got it. I go back to my computer and load the stick. I am confident that I will find my answers on it. I wander through the pages of the diary. This was his day to day life since the first of this year. (2012) It didn’t take long for me to discover the problem.

He fell in love with a girl who did not fall in love with him.

In response to this - he quit his job. He couldn’t find another one. Little by little, he lost everything. Strike that - he let everything go. He gave up. He walked away from his life, his hopes, his dreams, his family and his friends - all because of a girl.

All because of a girl?

All because of a girl!

Now he is waiting to die.

I decide not to confront him about it. It would do no good. He has given up and when a person gives it up, only they can bring themselves back. There is nothing I can do or say that will cause him to care again. There is nothing that can be done to heal his heart. Or to heal his soul. Nothing anyone can do anyway. Only he has the power to do that.

The weekend comes and goes, we enjoy watching the football games. I allow him to watch his team play on my computer because they don’t show the game on our local network. I think he rather enjoyed it.

I send him off with a handshake and my best wishes that he takes care of himself. He smiles and thanks me, gets into his car and drives away. I know I will never see him again.

Life is nothing but just a game. In the end … we all lose. The best we can hope to do is … hold on for as long as we can.

Without it being said, I knew why he wanted to stay with me for the week. He wanted to say goodbye in his own way. With what little dignity he may have had left. I gave it to him. It was the least I could do. He is my best friend. My brother.

That’s all I got to say about that.