Carroll's Journal #34 (Here is Gone)

Monday night, June 18th, 2012, a horrible thing occured on Goodreads. A mad man went on a rampage. A build up of almost a year of frustrations broke through his mental dam, causing a Tsunami of destruction to my group, THE CARROLL BRYANT COLLECTION.

I did everything I could to stop him. To no avail. I can't help but think it's all my fault. I left it. Sure, I had a valid reason to leave it. (Or at least I like to think I did) but the whole time I sat there watching the destruction, I could only think about all the hard work my friends put into that group. The role plays, everything. Gone in a blink of an eye.

I was told shortly after that those amazing girls of my group were going to rebuild it. And I was thinking, "What?"

My spirit was broken. My initial thoughts were, "This is it. This is really the end." But now, I don't know what to think. It makes me realize how amazing those girls really are. I never felt so helpless in my life, watching as it all evaporated in front of me. My heart pouring out to them. It was one of those surreal type of moments that my brain just couldn't fathom. I bet it was like that for the people on the Titanic. I mean, you're sitting there watching something happen that you can't make sense of.

Here is gone.

After speaking with Hira about it, I realized, maybe not all was lost. Maybe it could be rebuilt. At first, I wasn't sure what to think about it. However, after mulling it over, I decided if the girls wanted to rebuild it, and keep my name to it, I was going to let them. It's their group now. Not mine. Not my managers. It is really their group now. And if they honor me with my name on it, then I can't think of any finer people than them to honor me like that.

As for the lunatic that demolished it .... I guess I am going to have to find a way to deal with him. I really don't want to make too rash of a decision. Not right now anyway. A good friend said, "I don't like the people that hang around you, Carroll."

My world is much different than most. Marble has its own life-style. It is a very different world where I live. (Mentally) Even though I have surrounded myself with everyday folks and a typical average sized apartment, it was something I chose for myself. I like comfort. I have lived in big houses with huge rooms and tall ceilings. It just doesn't give you that home-like feeling. The people around me in my everday life are unique in their own right. A different breed. The cha-ching gang. LOL

 I don't know how to explain it really. A person gets used to their upbringing. They become it. Once you get set into a world, you grow into it. A routine is born. What is abnormal and odd to many, becomes ho-hum and a way of life to others. It's like a friend once said to me, "Even a bright shiney new car turns old after a while." Then it dawned on me, everything turns old eventually.

Okay, well maybe not everything. One thing that never turns old is good people. And that is what I have in my friends and those girls to whom were my mods in my group. Now they are mods of their group with my name. Good people to the very core. From different walks of life, religion, you name it. My Goodreads group was a melting pot. And if those girls rebuild it, I know they will build it better than I could ever imagine. It will be ten times better than before. But more importantly, this time, it will truly be their own. And if they keep my name to it, it will be the most humbling and wonderful thing to ever happen to me, bar none.

Maybe here is not gone after all. Maybe here is just changed. Or different. But gone? ... I think not.

So I cried a gallon of tears for these girls as I watched "Rome" disappear right before my very eyes. Now I will be crying tears of joy as I watch them "Not give up."

What can I learn from this?

It's not going to be the same as it was before. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe change was summoned by the universe. After everything I have been through the past ten months, maybe a galactic cleansing was needed right about now. Sure, it;s not going to be the same. It is going to be better. And why? because a better class of people than I will be doing the changing. A better class of people that no money could ever buy will be leading the way. They are young, strong, intelligent and beautiful girls. What they see in me, I will never know.

I am older than they are. I am the one who is supposed to teach them. And look at them, they are actually teaching me. Go figure.

Cici, Falls, Ira, Lori, Sara, Cristy and Lucy, just to name a few. The most amazing girls this planet will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

 They never fail to inspire me. Yet, I always feel I let them down. I am in love with them all. They are a gift to me from the universe. I have to find a way to stop letting them down. I just have to. I don't want to lose them. None of them. I am selfish in that I want to keep them all to myself. But one of these days, I will have to let them go.

That will be the saddest day of my life.

How could I have been so lucky in meeting these amazing young ladies? And how could I have been so stupid not to realize just exactly what I had? What I have? I have never met any girls like them before. And the really sad part? I may never meet any like them ever again.

I love you girls with all my heart. Thanks for putting up with a sloth like me.

I'll try to stop letting you girls down. But sometimes, you girls are just too special for me. I don't deserve you.

Maybe here is gone after all. And maybe, that is a good thing.