Carroll's Journal #30 (Spiderman)

Well, it’s been over a week now since I got bit by that spider. No super-powers yet. I was kind of hoping since I can’t be Batman that maybe I could be Spiderman. I mean, as Batman, I would have to buy a house and build a Bat-cave. Oh, and then buy a Bat-car, Bat-copter and …. You get the picture. And quite frankly, that would eat up most of, if not all of, my retirement money.

So, as you can see, I am stuck wishing to become Spidey. LOL Not that it would be all that bad. I mean, I have always wondered what it would be like to fly through a big city by my web-vine while naked with a girl clutching around me and …. (Kids, cover your ears and close your eyes) …. Slap nasty’s.

I have been testing my wrists for spider web capabilities - no luck. Damn you spider! You were just a regular ole Joe. I can only imagine if that spider I killed (that bit me) had a wife. Poor Mrs. Spider, sitting at home, tapping her legs on the floor with her arms crossed and staring at the clock. “Charlie said he was going out to get lunch and it has been a week! Where in the hell is that sumbitch at?”

And her little baby spider daughter looking up with tears on her little spider face. “Mommy, is daddy coming back? Did he leave us?”

Sorry little spider monkeys, I killed daddy!

Can spiders be ghosts? That would be cool if they could. Imagine how much fun that would be. Come to think of it, I hope I am a ghost when I die. I have a few people I wish to haunt for a spell. Scare the bejeezus out of them, I will.

Oh! I wonder if they have like, I don’t know, ghost pedophiles or something? Could you imagine being a ghost and haunting the girls locker room shower at the local high school? LOL That would be like, so wrong. I can just imagine seeing one of my ghost friends drifting into the walls of a high school and I be like, “Hey, Chuck, where you going? Why you going there for? You planning to haunt high schoolers? Hey! Chuck, I’m talking to you bitch.”

Then I go in and search all over the place for him and can’t find him. I look in the cafeteria thinking that maybe he went in there to freak out some kids or something. Finally, I end up in the locker room area, after having checked everywhere else and not finding him. Then I spot him, in the middle of the shower room and rubbing his ghost genitals while girls shower and I am like, “Dude, that is so wrong. Even in ghost world.”

Then I call the ghost cops and have him arrested and placed in ghost jail. Then it occurs to me, he is a ghost, jail wouldn’t hold him.

“Mommy, did daddy spider run away to the Zuckerman’s farm to be with Charlotte?”

Yeah, Spiderman would be cool. If you can’t be the Batman, be the Spiderman. But if you can be the Batman, then be the Batman. And never, under any circumstances, don’t ever be Robin. Unless you’re in love with the Batman and want to rub body lotion all over his tush or something. I don’t know. Some people would like to do that, right? Not me, just saying. Now, Batgirl on the other hand …..

“Mommy, is spider-daddy addicted to spider-crack?”

Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, it’s …. it’s ….. Spiderman naked and slapping nasty’s with a girl? Doh!

Woohoo!

The test results are in and … I AM NOT A FATHER! (See, i told you so) Which isn’t something to celebrate when you consider this poor little girl still doesn’t know who her father is. Will she have to grow up like that? It’s kind of sad, really.

Okay, what is with all of this biting all of a sudden? The other night, I got bit by a snake.

I just discovered that it doesn’t matter how many BBQ chicken wings you make, it will never be enough.

I have had the Chickenpox so you know what that means, I have the Shingles virus. But, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what that means.

Pull my finger.

Damn, this snake bite hurts. It will hurt for the next few days I reckon. Watched a John Wayne movie. I think everyone should sit down on a Saturday afternoon and watch a good John Wayne movie.

I don’t think he ever did a Spiderman movie.

Anyhow, I am giving you all a little treat. This week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I will be posting a sample chapter of each of my published books. Starting with chapter two of my last book published, OF THE LIGHT, on Tuesday. Then I will post chapter three of my book, LAST FLIGHT OUT on Wednesday, and Thursday, chapter eight of CHILDREN OF THE FLOWER POWER. I will wrap it up on Saturday with chapter seven of my upcoming book, YEAR OF THE CAT. I just wanted to give you all a little sneak peek.

I don’t think Spiderman would do that. LOL

If I keep having these stupid dreams, I am going to have to start drinking again.

If one more critter bites me, I am going to start biting back!

Damn it! I still can't shoot a web. What's the point in getting bit by a spider if you can't turn into ... SPIDERMAN!