Oh, and one more thing .......
MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Rash On My Ass - By Carroll Bryant
RASH ON MY ASS - By Carroll Bryant
I got a rash on my ass on Christmas morning
I know it wasn't there on Christmas Eve
Santa was suppose to stuff the stockings
But instead I think that he stuffed me
When I was a kid I heard a rumor
In fact, you know, I think I can recall
Someone said that Santa had some problems
He was addicted to some drugs and alcohol
At first I didn't want to believe it
I got mad and simply walked away
Because the rumors got so fucking stupid
The moment someone said that he was gay
I got a rash on my ass on Christmas morning
I know it wasn't there on Christmas Eve
Santa was suppose to stuff the stockings
But instead I think that he stuffed me
And so I decided to investigate
Just to try and see what I could find
After talking to some elves and the reindeer
What I did discover blew my mind
It really was a shock to my system
What to think and what not to believe
And So I guess there's only one solution
Just never go to sleep on Christmas Eve
I got a rash on my ass on Christmas morning
I know it wasn't there on Christmas Eve
Santa was suppose to stuff the stockings
But instead I think that he stuffed me
I got a rash on my ass on Christmas morning
I know it wasn't there on Christmas Eve
Ho, ho, ho ... ho, ho, ho, Santa Claus is ....... dead!
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Bad Santa (A Poem)
BAD SANTA (A POEM)
It was the night before Christmas and old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, and ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches because I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner got pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sends me a letter
They say I owe taxes, if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days they are all the pits
They want the impossible, those greedy little shits
I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo-yo's, but there's no requests for them
They want computers and iphones, they think I'm IBM
If you think that's bad then just picture this
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss
They squeeze my nose and grab at my beard
And if I don't smile all the time then they think I am weird
Flying through the air and dodging all the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job as there is no more enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
If there is no Christmas this year, now you know the reason
I found me a hot bitch, and heading SOUTH for the season
Merry Fucking Christmas you Ho, Ho, Ho's.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Carroll Bryant Fantasy Football 2016 Regular Season Results
I call them the sweet sixteen. Sixteen teams I played this season in 2016 and I had perhaps the greatest regular season in fantasy football than anyone in the history of fantasy football. lol
I had a team start off winning its first ten games. (Tampa Bay Lightning) That is the most wins I have ever had by any one team to start a season. The previous record for me was 8.
I guess I better go ahead and say that all sixteen of my teams made it to their league playoffs. Eight of those teams finished first in their league. None of my teams finished below third place in their respective league.When the average person gets 30% of their teams into the playoffs, then 100% becomes a dream come true. And in fact, the previous two years I had played a total of 20 teams and got 18 of those teams into the playoffs, so I'm doing pretty good here the past few years. Even three years ago I got 9 of 12 teams into the playoffs.
I been kicking some booty.
I normally do not post the results of my season until after the playoffs are over, however, because I got everyone of my teams into the post season, I am doing this celebratory post to honor this amazing feat. I will begin with the 8 teams that finished first in their leagues. The team record can be seen in the upper right corner with their first place standing next to it in parenthesis.
I had a team start off winning its first ten games. (Tampa Bay Lightning) That is the most wins I have ever had by any one team to start a season. The previous record for me was 8.
I guess I better go ahead and say that all sixteen of my teams made it to their league playoffs. Eight of those teams finished first in their league. None of my teams finished below third place in their respective league.When the average person gets 30% of their teams into the playoffs, then 100% becomes a dream come true. And in fact, the previous two years I had played a total of 20 teams and got 18 of those teams into the playoffs, so I'm doing pretty good here the past few years. Even three years ago I got 9 of 12 teams into the playoffs.
I been kicking some booty.
I normally do not post the results of my season until after the playoffs are over, however, because I got everyone of my teams into the post season, I am doing this celebratory post to honor this amazing feat. I will begin with the 8 teams that finished first in their leagues. The team record can be seen in the upper right corner with their first place standing next to it in parenthesis.
And now I will display the second place teams.
And now, the third place teams.
(Keep in mind that the top 4 teams of every league makes the playoffs.)
And so there it is. My greatest fantasy football season in my 12 years of playing this game. My teams combined for a total record of 160 wins, 47 losses, and 1 tie.
In my final week of the regular season, all 16 teams won their games. In the previous week, 15 teams won their games. I doubt I could ever have two weeks as great as the last two weeks of the season. A combined 31-1 record to finish the year.
While the playoffs are set to begin, the next 2 weeks will decide how many of these 16 teams I can get into their league championship game. From there, it will take another 2 weeks before we know how many of my teams actually get to win their championship game. I will do a final post at that point.
Meanwhile, I have to wonder if I peaked at this game. I mean, it's not going to get much better than this. Maybe it's time to retire from it. Maybe take next year off or just go back to playing ten teams or maybe even dropping down to maybe 5 or 6 teams or something. I don't know. But I will admit that while it's been a somewhat exciting year of fantasy football, it also kind of felt like I'm losing interest. It did begin to feel like a "chore" to go in and set my lineups from week to week, deal with injuries and fight for free agents all season long as those injuries piled up from one game to the next.
I think I'm running out of steam. I'm also getting bored from watching any game that isn't Dallas Cowboys. Perhaps I should take at least a year off after this and see how I feel about it. I been playing for twelve years. Time to take a break. Besides, I think I want to take off next fall and travel the country for a few weeks or so. We'll see how it goes. For now, I have the playoffs to focus on.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Flag Of Bahamas
The Bahamas became a crown colony of the United Kingdom within its colonial empire in 1717. Under colonial rule, the Bahama Islands used the British Blue Ensign and defaced
it with the emblem of the territory. This was inspired by the ousting
of the pirates, and consisted of a scene depicting a British ship
chasing two pirate ships out at the high seas encircled by the motto "Expulsis piratis restituta commercia"
("Pirates expelled, commerce restored"). The emblem was designed in
around 1850, but did not receive official approval until 1964.
The Bahama Islands were granted "internal autonomy" in 1964. After the 1972 elections, the territory started negotiations on independence. A search for a national flag began soon after, with a contest being held to determine the new design. Instead of choosing a single winning design, it was decided that the new flag was to be an amalgamation of the elements from various submissions. It was first hoisted at midnight on July 10, 1973, the day the Bahamas became an independent country. The new country also changed its name from the Bahama Islands to the Bahamas upon independence.
The colors of the flag carry cultural, political, and regional meanings. The yellow alludes to the golden sand and the shining sun - as well as other key land-based natural resources - while the aquamarine epitomizes the sea surrounding the country (specifically the Caribbean Sea). The black symbolizes the "strength", "vigor, and force" of the Bahamian people, while the directed triangle evokes their "enterprising and determined" nature to cultivate the abundant natural resources on the land and in the sea.
Yellow is not a color in the Bahamian flag. Here is a partial official description. "The colors embodied in the design of the Bahamian flag symbolize the image and aspirations of the people of The Bahamas; the design reflects aspects of the natural environment (sun, sand, and sea) and the economic and social development. The flag is a black equilateral triangle against the mast, superimposed on a horizontal background made up of two colors on three equal stripes of aquamarine, gold and aquamarine."
The Bahama Islands were granted "internal autonomy" in 1964. After the 1972 elections, the territory started negotiations on independence. A search for a national flag began soon after, with a contest being held to determine the new design. Instead of choosing a single winning design, it was decided that the new flag was to be an amalgamation of the elements from various submissions. It was first hoisted at midnight on July 10, 1973, the day the Bahamas became an independent country. The new country also changed its name from the Bahama Islands to the Bahamas upon independence.
The colors of the flag carry cultural, political, and regional meanings. The yellow alludes to the golden sand and the shining sun - as well as other key land-based natural resources - while the aquamarine epitomizes the sea surrounding the country (specifically the Caribbean Sea). The black symbolizes the "strength", "vigor, and force" of the Bahamian people, while the directed triangle evokes their "enterprising and determined" nature to cultivate the abundant natural resources on the land and in the sea.
Yellow is not a color in the Bahamian flag. Here is a partial official description. "The colors embodied in the design of the Bahamian flag symbolize the image and aspirations of the people of The Bahamas; the design reflects aspects of the natural environment (sun, sand, and sea) and the economic and social development. The flag is a black equilateral triangle against the mast, superimposed on a horizontal background made up of two colors on three equal stripes of aquamarine, gold and aquamarine."
Thursday, November 10, 2016
No Family - By Carroll Bryant
NO FAMILY - By Carroll Bryant
Ever since I was born
I've been so deeply, deeply torn
Between the two sides
Love and hate inside of me
Each to battle for that victory
And I, living with blind eyes
I could hear the soul inside of me
Scream
Yearning for love that only comes
From a family
All the years of growing up
Falling for their jokes and stuff
Just wishing they wouldn't leave
Touch and go and it got messed up
Did they really get enough
They got enough of me
I could feel the heart inside of me
Scream
Yearning for the table scraps
From my family
No trust
(It got lost)
No respect
(That's the cost)
Just a lonely love
Nothing there
No family
Not much
Not a chance
Just a lonely love
Nothing here
No family
I keep on reaching out
In the dead of the night
In the middle of a bad dream
I see a darkness all around me
I feel the darkness inside of me
No family
Ever since I became a man
I fight so hard to understand
Why they left me
Laughing lies and smiles with tears
Painting over all of my childhood fears
Then they regret me
I could hear the soul inside of me
Scream
Yearning for love that only comes
From a family
No trust
(It got lost)
No respect
(That's the cost)
Just a lonely love
Nothing there
No family
Not much
Not a chance
Just a lonely love
Nothing here
No family
I could feel the heart inside of me
Scream
Yearning for the table scraps
From my family
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Acer Computers: The Rip-Off Company
I just got off the phone with an Acer representative. Acer is a computer company. I bought an Acer desktop computer October 2015. In late January of 2016 that computer crashed. I still had about 5 weeks left on the warranty. I contacted Acer customer service and low and behold, they informed me that I would have to pay for shipping to and from their Texas repair location. They also informed me that I would be responsible for at least part of the repair cost and or probably all of the repair costs, depending on "their" diagnosis. It was the most ridiculous "warranty" I had ever heard of. I never had a computer company be so irresponsible with their product warranty in my life.
I remember when my friend and roommate back in 2002 bought a Dell computer. He had a one year warranty. One day, it crashed. He contacted Dell and they sent him a brand new "hard drive" in the mail, overnight! I took out the old hard drive and put the new one in for him and inserted the disks we needed to insert and got his computer back up and running again in a matter of like two days. AT NO COST TO HIM!
Even I had to contact E-Machines one time when my hard drive crashed and they sent me two installation disks (for free) and I was able to restore my computer. I used those disks a few more times over the next few years before I ended up selling that computer when I went to buy a new one.
In fact, just this year alone, I had to send my HP laptop (that I bought to replace my Acer) to be repaired twice! and not once did HP (Hewitt Packard) charge me any money for shipping or anything else.
You see, there some companies out there who appreciate their customers, and some, like Acer, who do not. They are only out to steal your money by offering you a shitty product and slap it with a warranty they never intend to honor. They just want to take as much of your money as they can.
I wonder if they are a scam?
Anyhow, there was no way I was going to pay in upwards of ninety dollars for shipping fees (there and back again) and maybe spend in upwards of one hundred and fifty dollars to maybe as much as three hundred and fifty dollars just to get that shitty computer working again. Hell, I was better off just going out and buying another computer. Which I did. A Hewitt-Packard lappy. I have been happy with my lappy ever since. However, I regret spending the three hundred and fifty dollars in the first place for that shitty Acer computer.
Okay, I was duped. Lesson learned. But in the past six weeks I have received an invitation to "extend" my Acer warranty via US Postal mail service.
WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
With the first invite I turned it over and wrote a response on the other side of it, telling them what happened and how I threw their trashy computer in the garbage where it belonged, and why. I guess they can't read because they sent me another invite to extend my warranty. So I called them. I explained how shitty their product and warranty is and how I will never spend another cent on their shitty products ever again.
I also requested they remove me from whatever mailing list they put me on.
So now I will wait and see if they honor my request, meanwhile, for anyone wondering what computer to buy, you can't go wrong with Dell or an HP - in my opinion - because they have done right by their warranty for their customers from what I have seen and experienced. But as for Acer? Hell to the no. I would strongly advise to not get mixed up with those scam artists. They will NOT honor their warranty and they will screw you over BIG LEAGUE.
I remember when my friend and roommate back in 2002 bought a Dell computer. He had a one year warranty. One day, it crashed. He contacted Dell and they sent him a brand new "hard drive" in the mail, overnight! I took out the old hard drive and put the new one in for him and inserted the disks we needed to insert and got his computer back up and running again in a matter of like two days. AT NO COST TO HIM!
Even I had to contact E-Machines one time when my hard drive crashed and they sent me two installation disks (for free) and I was able to restore my computer. I used those disks a few more times over the next few years before I ended up selling that computer when I went to buy a new one.
In fact, just this year alone, I had to send my HP laptop (that I bought to replace my Acer) to be repaired twice! and not once did HP (Hewitt Packard) charge me any money for shipping or anything else.
You see, there some companies out there who appreciate their customers, and some, like Acer, who do not. They are only out to steal your money by offering you a shitty product and slap it with a warranty they never intend to honor. They just want to take as much of your money as they can.
I wonder if they are a scam?
Anyhow, there was no way I was going to pay in upwards of ninety dollars for shipping fees (there and back again) and maybe spend in upwards of one hundred and fifty dollars to maybe as much as three hundred and fifty dollars just to get that shitty computer working again. Hell, I was better off just going out and buying another computer. Which I did. A Hewitt-Packard lappy. I have been happy with my lappy ever since. However, I regret spending the three hundred and fifty dollars in the first place for that shitty Acer computer.
Okay, I was duped. Lesson learned. But in the past six weeks I have received an invitation to "extend" my Acer warranty via US Postal mail service.
WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
With the first invite I turned it over and wrote a response on the other side of it, telling them what happened and how I threw their trashy computer in the garbage where it belonged, and why. I guess they can't read because they sent me another invite to extend my warranty. So I called them. I explained how shitty their product and warranty is and how I will never spend another cent on their shitty products ever again.
I also requested they remove me from whatever mailing list they put me on.
So now I will wait and see if they honor my request, meanwhile, for anyone wondering what computer to buy, you can't go wrong with Dell or an HP - in my opinion - because they have done right by their warranty for their customers from what I have seen and experienced. But as for Acer? Hell to the no. I would strongly advise to not get mixed up with those scam artists. They will NOT honor their warranty and they will screw you over BIG LEAGUE.
Trust me on this. Stay away from Acer. They just want to rip you off, and they will ... if you let them.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Memories Of Summer (2016): Story Time
I had no sooner walked out of the grocery store at 10:00 AM, toting a couple of bags, when I heard someone shout out my name. "Carz!" It was my fourteen year old goddaughter, Kelly, walking up with open arms, hugging me and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. "Long time, no see." She joked.
Right behind her was her mom and dad."Hey," Pam started off, "what are you up to?"
I lifted my arms to display. "Just grabbing something for breakfast."
Suddenly, Kelly went loco. "Oh, my god!" She scouted the contents of both bags. "He's got pancakes and eggs in here!" She shouted with glee. "Butter and syrup, too!" She took the bags from me and began walking towards my car. "I'm staying with Carroll." She informed her parents.
"Hold on." I called her back. "These might help." I handed her my car keys, and then she picked up where she left off.
"You have got to be kidding me." My friend Joe expelled. "Seriously?" He concluded. I was at a lost. "What?" I half stammered.
"You came to the store to get pancakes and eggs?"
"Well, yeah." I replied, still confused about what was going on. "I had a hankering. I get those hankerings about two times a year." Joe and Pam soon brought me up to date. "Your little princess woke up in a mood today. She has been moaning and groaning constantly for pancakes and eggs." Joe told me. Pam followed up right behind him. "Apparently, cereal, toast, and pop-tarts aren't good enough for her for breakfast."
"So you brought her to the store to get her pancakes and eggs?" I mused with a smile. "And you guys get on me for spoiling her."
"You do spoil her." Joe snapped back. "But let's face it, dude, she gets those hankerings about twice a year also. I mean, what are the odds that you both wake up the same morning craving pancakes and eggs? I swear, you two are like kindred spirits or something. It's freaking me out."
I was wondering about something else, though. "So why is she nesting in my car? Does she want to eat breakfast with me?"
"Actually," Joe began, "we just dropped Boomer (his younger son) off at his friend's house to stay for a few nights. We were in the process of taking Kell to her grandparents house in Jasper. We were swinging by here to get her pancakes so she wouldn't drive her grandpa and grandma too crazy."
"Where you guys going?" I asked. Pam was quick to respond. "We are celebrating our 20th anniversary. Going to a B and B in Kentucky."
"Let me guess," I reasoned, "she wants to stay with me instead of her grandparents?"
"Well, she did but, we didn't want to bother you with it. She just got done staying there last weekend and she really doesn't like it out there in Jasper. She says she feels so isolated."
"I don't blame her." I said, then getting to the meat and potatoes of the issue. "But bother me? You guys know that none of you ever bother me, least of all, my Kell-bell."
"I know." Pam replied. "But she's spent a weekend with you already this summer and that's after you took her down the East coast looking at lighthouses for a week. We thought you could use a break too."
"That and the fact that you spoil her rotten." Joe threw in for good measure.
Suddenly, Kelly yelled over at me from the car, standing up through the window. "Hurry up you old coot, I'm starving here. You gots to feed me, Seymour. Then you're taking me to Scioto Trails to take some pictures. And then you're buying me a banana split. And you're buying me a pizza tonight while we're watching the Austin Powers trilogy!"
I turned to look at her parents. They looked back at me. I sighed. "Yes, she can stay with me."
Joe smiled as I began to follow him to the back of the SUV. "She will plan your whole life if you let her."
"Honestly," Pam chimed in, "don't let her boss you around. You can tell her no once in a while, Carroll, her dad and I do it all the time and she still loves us. Guess what? She will still love you, too."
"I tell her no sometimes." I went to defend myself. They both stopped in their tracks and stared at me. "What?" I kept trying to defend. Joe broke the silence. "You try to tell her no but when she gives you that puppy-dog face, you cave every time."
"Well," I squirmed, "it's a cute puppy-dog face. She's got kind of that Rowan Blanchard thing going on, and who doesn't think she's adorable? I haven't built up an immunity from it yet like you two have." Joe opened the back of the SUV as I continued talking. "Look, if she wants me to take her to go rob a bank, I will say no, okay? Otherwise, she's a good kid, and as long as she wants to do teenage girl stuff, I won't tell her no."
"Ha!" Joe let out, "You would still take her to rob that bank."
I thought for a moment. "Yeah, you're probably right. I am so screwed."
Joe turned around and handed me a big sports bag. "Here, this is her change of clothes, socks and such." Then he reached back in and pulled out another one, only a little smaller. "This is her toiletries and such." I placed the strap over my shoulder like I did with the first one. He leaned in and pulled out another bag. "This is her electronics stuff. Her computer, E-reader, camera and so on." I placed it over my shoulder too when he pulled out another. "This has her books, diary and poetry and stuff." This ordeal was still not over. "And this is her sleeping bag and favorite pillow."
"Good Lord!" I gasped. "How many days is she staying?"
Joe smiled as he closed the SUV door. He turned to me. "I get to tell you what the doctor told me some fourteen years ago. Congratulations! It's a girl. You have a daughter."
We shook hands as he went to make his way to the drivers side door. "I am going to give Boomer's friends mom your contact info in case of an emergency. Is that okay with you?"
"That's fine." I answered. Pam turned me around. "We're also adding you to their school emergency contact info this year, if that's okay, too."
"Of course it's okay." I assured her. She reached out and pulled me into her for a short little kiss on the lips and a hug. "Thank you for caring about my family." She whispered. All I could do was smile and say, "Thank you for making me a part of your family."
"See you in three or four days." She offered, heading to the passenger side of the SUV. "If you don't hear from us in a couple of weeks, she's all yours. Boomer too." She joked.
I waved them off as I walked to my car and started loading the luggage into the back seat. "Ha ha." Kelly joked. "You got stuck with me."
"I think it's the other way around." I countered.
"How you figure?" She asked. "I chose you."
I settled into the driver seat. "Let's think about what your options were." I volunteered, turning the engine over. "Grandparents A in Jasper, or grandparents B in Portsmouth, or creepy uncle in Waverly? Meanwhile, Boomer is staying with his friend."
She reflected for a moment. "Oh yeah. But I didn't have any friends who could let me stay with them for that long." Then she reflected some more. "Oh, yeah, now I see it. Oh, my god, I got stuck with you." I began to pull out of the parking lot when she began to sing. "I guess it's true, I'm so happy to be stuck with you ...."
"No!" I demanded. "No Huey Lewis and The News."
Suddenly, I had to slam on the brakes. I placed my right arm out in front of Kelly to protect her from hitting the dash or the windshield. "Damn it!" I shouted at the car coming out of the bank parking lot. "Don't people even look for oncoming traffic anymore?" I asked rhetorically. I looked over at my Pooh Bear. "You okay?"
"Nice going, Seinfeld." She remarked. And then I broke out laughing. "That's funny."
"You don't even know what I'm talking about." She figured. (She figured wrong.)
"I knew Seinfeld trivia before you were even a glimmer in your daddy's eye, sweetheart." I fired back.
"Fine." She articulated. "What was I talking about then?"
"You were talking about 'stopping short'. The Seinfeld episode where Kramer stopped short with George's mother when he was driving her home from her plastic surgery. George's father found out and he said, 'Stop short? That's my move'. "
She stuck her tongue out at me. "Yeah, well, yadda, yadda, yadda, and I went to sleep."
"But you yadda, yadda, yadda'd over the best part." I played along.
She grinned. "No I didn't. I mentioned the lobster bisque."
Right behind her was her mom and dad."Hey," Pam started off, "what are you up to?"
I lifted my arms to display. "Just grabbing something for breakfast."
Suddenly, Kelly went loco. "Oh, my god!" She scouted the contents of both bags. "He's got pancakes and eggs in here!" She shouted with glee. "Butter and syrup, too!" She took the bags from me and began walking towards my car. "I'm staying with Carroll." She informed her parents.
"Hold on." I called her back. "These might help." I handed her my car keys, and then she picked up where she left off.
"You have got to be kidding me." My friend Joe expelled. "Seriously?" He concluded. I was at a lost. "What?" I half stammered.
"You came to the store to get pancakes and eggs?"
"Well, yeah." I replied, still confused about what was going on. "I had a hankering. I get those hankerings about two times a year." Joe and Pam soon brought me up to date. "Your little princess woke up in a mood today. She has been moaning and groaning constantly for pancakes and eggs." Joe told me. Pam followed up right behind him. "Apparently, cereal, toast, and pop-tarts aren't good enough for her for breakfast."
"So you brought her to the store to get her pancakes and eggs?" I mused with a smile. "And you guys get on me for spoiling her."
"You do spoil her." Joe snapped back. "But let's face it, dude, she gets those hankerings about twice a year also. I mean, what are the odds that you both wake up the same morning craving pancakes and eggs? I swear, you two are like kindred spirits or something. It's freaking me out."
I was wondering about something else, though. "So why is she nesting in my car? Does she want to eat breakfast with me?"
"Actually," Joe began, "we just dropped Boomer (his younger son) off at his friend's house to stay for a few nights. We were in the process of taking Kell to her grandparents house in Jasper. We were swinging by here to get her pancakes so she wouldn't drive her grandpa and grandma too crazy."
"Where you guys going?" I asked. Pam was quick to respond. "We are celebrating our 20th anniversary. Going to a B and B in Kentucky."
"Let me guess," I reasoned, "she wants to stay with me instead of her grandparents?"
"Well, she did but, we didn't want to bother you with it. She just got done staying there last weekend and she really doesn't like it out there in Jasper. She says she feels so isolated."
"I don't blame her." I said, then getting to the meat and potatoes of the issue. "But bother me? You guys know that none of you ever bother me, least of all, my Kell-bell."
"I know." Pam replied. "But she's spent a weekend with you already this summer and that's after you took her down the East coast looking at lighthouses for a week. We thought you could use a break too."
"That and the fact that you spoil her rotten." Joe threw in for good measure.
Suddenly, Kelly yelled over at me from the car, standing up through the window. "Hurry up you old coot, I'm starving here. You gots to feed me, Seymour. Then you're taking me to Scioto Trails to take some pictures. And then you're buying me a banana split. And you're buying me a pizza tonight while we're watching the Austin Powers trilogy!"
I turned to look at her parents. They looked back at me. I sighed. "Yes, she can stay with me."
Joe smiled as I began to follow him to the back of the SUV. "She will plan your whole life if you let her."
"Honestly," Pam chimed in, "don't let her boss you around. You can tell her no once in a while, Carroll, her dad and I do it all the time and she still loves us. Guess what? She will still love you, too."
"I tell her no sometimes." I went to defend myself. They both stopped in their tracks and stared at me. "What?" I kept trying to defend. Joe broke the silence. "You try to tell her no but when she gives you that puppy-dog face, you cave every time."
"Well," I squirmed, "it's a cute puppy-dog face. She's got kind of that Rowan Blanchard thing going on, and who doesn't think she's adorable? I haven't built up an immunity from it yet like you two have." Joe opened the back of the SUV as I continued talking. "Look, if she wants me to take her to go rob a bank, I will say no, okay? Otherwise, she's a good kid, and as long as she wants to do teenage girl stuff, I won't tell her no."
"Ha!" Joe let out, "You would still take her to rob that bank."
I thought for a moment. "Yeah, you're probably right. I am so screwed."
Joe turned around and handed me a big sports bag. "Here, this is her change of clothes, socks and such." Then he reached back in and pulled out another one, only a little smaller. "This is her toiletries and such." I placed the strap over my shoulder like I did with the first one. He leaned in and pulled out another bag. "This is her electronics stuff. Her computer, E-reader, camera and so on." I placed it over my shoulder too when he pulled out another. "This has her books, diary and poetry and stuff." This ordeal was still not over. "And this is her sleeping bag and favorite pillow."
"Good Lord!" I gasped. "How many days is she staying?"
Joe smiled as he closed the SUV door. He turned to me. "I get to tell you what the doctor told me some fourteen years ago. Congratulations! It's a girl. You have a daughter."
We shook hands as he went to make his way to the drivers side door. "I am going to give Boomer's friends mom your contact info in case of an emergency. Is that okay with you?"
"That's fine." I answered. Pam turned me around. "We're also adding you to their school emergency contact info this year, if that's okay, too."
"Of course it's okay." I assured her. She reached out and pulled me into her for a short little kiss on the lips and a hug. "Thank you for caring about my family." She whispered. All I could do was smile and say, "Thank you for making me a part of your family."
"See you in three or four days." She offered, heading to the passenger side of the SUV. "If you don't hear from us in a couple of weeks, she's all yours. Boomer too." She joked.
I waved them off as I walked to my car and started loading the luggage into the back seat. "Ha ha." Kelly joked. "You got stuck with me."
"I think it's the other way around." I countered.
"How you figure?" She asked. "I chose you."
I settled into the driver seat. "Let's think about what your options were." I volunteered, turning the engine over. "Grandparents A in Jasper, or grandparents B in Portsmouth, or creepy uncle in Waverly? Meanwhile, Boomer is staying with his friend."
She reflected for a moment. "Oh yeah. But I didn't have any friends who could let me stay with them for that long." Then she reflected some more. "Oh, yeah, now I see it. Oh, my god, I got stuck with you." I began to pull out of the parking lot when she began to sing. "I guess it's true, I'm so happy to be stuck with you ...."
"No!" I demanded. "No Huey Lewis and The News."
Suddenly, I had to slam on the brakes. I placed my right arm out in front of Kelly to protect her from hitting the dash or the windshield. "Damn it!" I shouted at the car coming out of the bank parking lot. "Don't people even look for oncoming traffic anymore?" I asked rhetorically. I looked over at my Pooh Bear. "You okay?"
"Nice going, Seinfeld." She remarked. And then I broke out laughing. "That's funny."
"You don't even know what I'm talking about." She figured. (She figured wrong.)
"I knew Seinfeld trivia before you were even a glimmer in your daddy's eye, sweetheart." I fired back.
"Fine." She articulated. "What was I talking about then?"
"You were talking about 'stopping short'. The Seinfeld episode where Kramer stopped short with George's mother when he was driving her home from her plastic surgery. George's father found out and he said, 'Stop short? That's my move'. "
She stuck her tongue out at me. "Yeah, well, yadda, yadda, yadda, and I went to sleep."
"But you yadda, yadda, yadda'd over the best part." I played along.
She grinned. "No I didn't. I mentioned the lobster bisque."
Thursday, October 20, 2016
12 College Road - By Carroll Bryant
12 COLLEGE ROAD - By Carroll Bryant
She was waiting for me to arrive
We made love a danger because we always fought to survive
Right beyond a vacant lot
I gave to her everything I got
She gave me a memory that I will take to my grave
12 College Road and I remember
Twenty days of first semester
I didn't get a wink of sleep and you know that I didn't care
12 College Road and I surrendered
Twenty days of my September
All I see is you and me almost everywhere
Baby on her knees
We played it cool while flirting with disaster
We couldn't take it slow so we got brave and pushed it faster
Right on time and always running late
Pedal to the metal and forget the brake
She gave to me ecstasy and I will make that bitch my slave
12 College Road and I remember
Twenty days of first semester
I didn't get a wink of sleep and you know that I didn't care
12 College Road and I surrendered
Twenty days of my September
All I see is you and me almost everywhere
Bring me to my knees
It wasn't love that we were making
We were just trying to kill some useless time
Our faces faded like a distant dream
Run like a rabbit, baby
Maybe we will never let it die
She was waiting for me to arrive
We made love a danger because we always fought to survive
Right beyond a vacant lot
I gave to her everything I got
She gave me a memory that I will take to my grave
12 College Road and I remember
Twenty days of first semester
I didn't get a wink of sleep and you know that I didn't care
12 College Road and I surrendered
Twenty days of my September
All I see is you and me almost everywhere
Baby on her knees
12 College Road and I remember
12 College Road and I surrender
Twenty days of first semester
Twenty days of my September
Bring me to my knees
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Hell Or High Water - By Carroll Bryant
HELL OR HIGH WATER - By Carroll Bryant
Keep talking your shit
You stupid son of a bitch
If it's trouble that you're looking for
Then I think that you found it
I'm ready for the fight
I'm ready for war
Into the night and I'll give you the what for
The brawl kicks off so get ready for the show
Come hell or high water
Things are gonna get rough
Come hell or high water
There's no time to run
Come hell or high water
You know you got to be tough
Come hell or high water
You got to stand up
So let's get down and dirty
In the streets there are no rules
Spilling blood all over the pavement
Like a couple of fools would do
Who's got the gun?
Who's got the knife?
Who lives to tell about it?
Who lost their life?
If you wanna get crazy, then fine, let's get nuts
Come hell or high water
Things are gonna get rough
Come hell or high water
There's no time to run
Come hell or high water
You know you got to be tough
Come hell or high water
You got to stand up
Man, I'm not looking for action
I'm not looking for this
But get in my face and I swear to Satan
You're gonna be eating my mother fucking fist!
Come hell or high water
Things are gonna get rough
Come hell or high water
There's no time to run
Come hell or high water
You know you got to be tough
Come hell or high water
You got to stand up
Come hell or high water
Things are gonna get rough
Come hell or high water
There's no time to run
Come hell or high water
You know you got to be tough
Come hell or high water
You got to stand up
For yourself
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
UFO Files: 2016 Sightings (Part Two)
I wanted to also share with you this video of some March and May 2016 sightings.
Monday, October 3, 2016
The View: Democratic Hate At It's Best
Lunch Conversation:
Gary: "My sister and I was talking the other day and I discovered that she watches The View."
Me: "My condolences."
Gary: "She says that's where she gets her political news."
Me: "She would be better off getting a lobotomy, she'd be a lot smarter. Why would anyone watch that show unless they love to hate? I would rather watch a show with ISIS sitting around and talking about all the ways they would kill Americans, Christians, and Jews, it would be less hateful. All those girls combined have an I.Q. of negative fifty. None of them has had sex for over 20 years, which would explain all of that pent up frustration. And the last time Whoopi Goldberg had sex was 1985 when she drugged Bill Cosby."
(Laughter)
Gregg: "Tell us how you really feel."
Me: "I thought I did."
Joe: "That's the kind of comedy we need in this country, and not that Samantha Bee bull-shit."
Me: "I hear ya. That bitch couldn't be funny if you stuck a laugh track up her ass."
(Laughter)
Gary: "You should get your own stand-up show on Comedy Central."
Me: "Comedy Central? The Discovery Channel is funnier than Comedy Central. Ever since Jon Stewart left, Comedy Central has become CNN2, and nobody even watches the original CNN. The last time Comedy Central had a funny person on their network was Amy Schumer, back before she made it big and we found out what a douche' she is."
(Laughter)
Joe: "Plus, you would have to go to New York, and we all know how you hate New York."
Gregg: "Is that where Comedy Central is located? I thought it was in California?"
Me: "New York, California, what does it matter? I plan to never go to those states ever again because I don't support socialism, communism, or terrorism in any shape, form or fashion. I only support states that are pro-America and Americans. I can't wait until Nevada becomes ocean-front property."
Joe: "What if you're going somewhere and you have to drive through a socialist state?"
Me: "I make sure I have plenty of food and water and a full tank of gas, and I drive straight through without stopping. I will avoid spending any money in a socialist state, if I can."
Gregg: "Is that your new motto?"
Me: "That's my new creed." (Laughter) "Walk Hard."
(Short Pause)
Gary: "Yeah, my sister is kind of stupid."
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