A Funny Conversation About Zombies

Joe: "If your mother was a zombie, would you kill her?"

Carroll: "Wouldn't she already be dead if she were a zombie?"

Joe: "You know what I mean."

Greg: "Hey Carroll, I think my sister likes you."

Gary: "My beef with zombies is, when does Rigor Mortis set in?"

Carroll: "I don't want to date my friends sister. It's so high schoolish. I've already told you this before."

Joe: "Hey look guys, I wanna show you something. I decided to become a millionaire so I wrote myself a check for a million dollars." (Pulls it out and holds it up) "I think I'm gonna frame it."

Carroll: "It doesn't work like that, dude. Besides, you can't cash it if it's in a frame."

Greg: "He can't cash it because he can't cover the check."

Gary: "And another thing, do zombies breathe? If you're dead then you can't breathe and if you don't breathe then how can you get oxygen to your brains, and your muscles and your vital organs? It makes no sense."

Carroll: "I'd shoot my mother if she was a zombie. I'm pretty sure she would want me to shoot her. I don't think she would be pleased to spend the rest of her undead life eating other people and their brains."

Greg: "It's because she has three kids, isn't it?"

Carroll: "You know that's not the reason. I have no problem with that."

Joe: "I think it's funny how in some movies zombies can run really fast and in others they walk like a slow robot. And there always seems to be that one who drags their right foot behind them. I don't get it! Did they sprain their ankle or something and it hurts when they walk? They're dead! They shouldn't be able to feel pain! Walk on it for crying out loud."

Carroll: "What are you writing on that napkin, Greg?"

Greg: "I'm writing a note to my sister to give to her and tell her it's from you."

Joe: "And their eyes. Zombies always have their eyes opened. If you're dead, shouldn't their eyes be closed?"

Gary: "Do zombies poop? Think about it. They eat other people so obviously they are digesting it, right? And if they are digesting it then wouldn't that mean they would have to poop?"

Carroll: (Snatches the napkin from Greg) "What are you writing?" (I read it out loud) "Do you like me? Check yes or no."

Greg: (Laughing) "You said dating your friends sister would be high schoolish."

Carroll: "Yes, high schoolish, not third grade-ish. If this is how you wrote girls in high school then you have a whole set of other issues my friend."

Joe: "I could never shoot my mother, zombie or no zombie."

Gary: "I would hope to think not if she wasn't a zombie."

Carroll: "It's because of the pets. Your sister has a dog, a cat, goldfish and doesn't her oldest son have a couple of hampsters?"

Greg: "What's wrong with having pets?"

Carroll: "Nothing. I just don't like having animals in the house. I'm quirky that way. Always have been. I love animals, I just don't like them in the house, that's all."

Joe: "If a zombie did poop, would they know it? Would they poop in their pants or would they pull them down and cop a squat where they stood? Or would they use a toilet?"

Greg: "I still think it's the kids."

Carroll: "It's not the kids!"

Joe: "If they did poop, do you think they would be aware enough to wipe their bum?"

(Short Pause)

Gary: "Seriously you guys, just once I want to watch a zombie movie and see a zombie take a dump. Is that too much to ask?"